How (Not) to Be Resilient, Part 1
How (Not) to Be Resilient, Part 1
A countdown of what didn’t work on my resilience journey. Mostly humorous. Occasionally cringe.
Every week, I share resilience strategies that have helped me on my rare disease journey. Over the last fifteen years, I have become, reluctantly, an expert on how to navigate a life of hardship.
How did I learn these strategies? Although you’re probably tempted to think, “That Chris — he’s always been wise beyond his years,” the correct answer is trial and error.
Lots and lots of error.
By first figuring out what didn’t work, I was able to learn what did. It turns out, process of elimination is an effective teacher.
It’s not unlike Thomas Edison’s famous quote about inventing the lightbulb: “I didn't fail 1,000 times. The lightbulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”
I’ve been itching to do a countdown post, so for the next two weeks, I’m going to share the top 100 mistakes I’ve made since my 2009 diagnosis. Think of these as anti-strategies, loosely ordered from minor hiccups to major snafus.
To be clear, I don’t blame myself for making these mistakes; they were part of the learning process!
Without further ado, here are mistakes 100-51:
The “How am I supposed to live with this diagnosis?” tier
Googling my symptoms. According to Google, the burning in my calves was either exhaustion, cramps, or imminent death.
Not speaking up more in doctors’ appointments. Early on, I deferred to doctors and specialists. They weren’t bad people, but I wish I spoke up more when certain courses of action were discussed. It took a while to learn how to advocate for myself.
Placing too much trust in what people said on disease forums. It turns out the loudest, most authoritative voices aren’t always right. (This goes for social media, too.)
Having an unclear “why.” For the first few years, I wasn’t clear about my life’s purpose, which made it harder to deal with my disease-related challenges.
Living in denial. Because running away from our problems makes them disappear, right?
Resisting getting adaptive equipment. I knew I needed leg braces, crutches, and a wheelchair months before I ultimately got them. I waited too long!
The “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result” tier
Setting New Year’s resolutions. Every year, I’d set a resolution. Every year, it ended in disaster.
Setting an early alarm. It only took me 35 years to accept that I’m a night owl.
Spending excessive time on social media. “Maybe today’s the day they’ll stop showing me rage-inducing content…”
Refusing to quit. Not in the perseverance sense. The futile, “I’ve tried this 83 times, but hey, maybe the 84th try will work!” sense.
The “Is this a character flaw, hubris, or another unflattering quality?” tier
(“Refusing to quit” could go here too…)
Impatience. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I haven’t learned this lesson.
Being inauthentic. I’ve made so many more friends being myself than trying to conform and fit in. It’s more enjoyable, too.
Not wanting to look like an amateur. I was obsessed with looking competent at all times; I didn’t want to make a fool of myself. But by embracing my inner amateur, the learning process has become way more enjoyable.
Complaining. Complaining feels good in the moment, but it’s ultimately a waste of time.
People-pleasing. Although I want to make people happy and have them like me, I can’t please everyone. It took me a few years to stop trying.
Thinking everyone is paying attention to me. Nope, they’re on their phones.
The “Agony and the Ecstasy” tier
Believing success means never failing. Failure, it turns out, is not only unavoidable, it’s a key ingredient to success.
Believing there’s nothing to learn from failure. Some of life’s most powerful lessons come from our most painful setbacks.
Not seeing that failure can be a blessing in disguise. I always thought that every failure is a catastrophe. When I crashed and burned at my job in 2017, I was depressed for many months. In hindsight, it was the best thing that could have happened to me! My favorite job was right around the corner.
Putting too much pressure on myself to make the right decision. At first, I took all my decisions way too seriously, even the most trivial ones. I treated minor setbacks as disasters. Once I started treating my decisions as experiments, I was able to learn from my mistakes without recrimination.
Thinking “no” means “never”. Some “nos” are permanent. But many times, a “yes” can come later. You just have to be patient. Case in point: I didn’t get into my dream school for undergrad but got in for business school.
Not remembering the good moments. It’s easy to dwell on negative moments. Sometimes, we have to physically write down what goes right to remind ourselves that life’s not always bad.
Giving myself zero points for winning. I wrote about this last week. As I’ve come to learn, when you treat success as “something you were supposed to do,” you’ve already lost.
Not celebrating my victories. I never used to celebrate my accomplishments. Now, I take time to appreciate everyday victories. (More on this later.)
The “I might be doing great, but they’re doing so much better than me” tier
Falling prey to Impostor Syndrome. It turns out everyone is either faking it or winging it.
Believing that if you don’t accomplish something by a certain age, it will never happen. In 99% of cases, this is false. I’m reminded of this every year when I see a news story about an octogenarian earning their high school diploma.
Thinking everything’s an apples-to-apples comparison. Most forms of comparison are invalid; we all have different experiences, support systems, challenges, and perspectives. To compare myself to someone who didn’t have my disease was ultimately an apples-to-oranges comparison. I only learned this recently.
Assuming everyone has their act together, except me. Yeah, no.
Believing I was the only person who went through adversity. A bit selfish in retrospect. I didn’t have the market cornered on hard times.
Thinking I’m the only one who has ever failed. Similar to the last point, I wasn’t the only person who has dealt with failure.
Fixating on everyone’s highlight reels on social media. I used to see everyone’s best moments on social media and feel worse about my situation. It took several years to realize that behind every highlight reel are dozens of bloopers (failures, hardships, heartaches, etc.). We just never see them!
Forgetting my own highlight reel. When I saw everyone else’s best moments, I conveniently forgot my own. Instead, I dwelled on my bloopers.
The “I should have been a better friend” tier
Putting work before relationships. Work will always be there; people won’t. Took way too long to learn this.
Not checking in on friends more. Partly because I was so focused on my own struggles, I failed to see that some of my closest friends were struggling, too. I wish I reached out to them more to say hi and offer support. (Since corrected!)
Not properly grieving. When my friend and coworker Carly passed away in 2013, I avoided the grief counselors my company brought in. I felt guilty that I didn’t check in more in her final weeks; I didn’t know her illness was as serious as it was. I bottled up my grief, which contributed to my panic attack and trip to the ER that August.
The “Process fail, productivity fail, or epic fail?” tier
Not asking for feedback. I’m still not great at asking for feedback, but some of my most dramatic improvements have come from constructive criticism.
Doing too much at once/multitasking. The more things I do at once, the less I accomplish. And ultimately, the more I have to redo again.
Not prioritizing. When all tasks are ranked equally, I have a maddening habit of doing the least important thing.
Procrastinating. Why work when I can read yet another article on last night’s Red Sox game? (Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve learned this lesson either.)
Not learning how to say “no”. I used to say “yes” to too many things, which made it hard to work on my priorities.
Caring about unimportant things. Once, I was so fixated on formatting the bullet points on my resume that I completely missed that I misspelled my name. Apparently, no one wanted to hire Chirs Anselmo.
Getting distracted easily. Every time I think I’ve finally learned how to focus, the world goes, “Hold my beer.” I would have started this post earlier, but a BOBCAT just chased a squirrel up the tree in our backyard. High drama. (Thankfully, the squirrel escaped, but I don’t think it will be coming down anytime soon.)
Not inverting. Sometimes, the way forward is opaque. It took me a long time to realize that if I started with the end and worked backwards, solutions tend to present themselves.
Not breaking tasks down into smaller pieces. Why not bite off more than I can chew instead?
Bad habits. Habits are important, but for whatever reason, they’re always the first casualty when I’m stressed. It took a long time to prioritize their importance.
Planning vs. taking action. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s planning myself into oblivion. Taking action is much harder than coming up with yet another plan, but it’s the secret to making progress.
The “Reading and writing” tier
Not reading books. I was an avid reader in high school but got away from it when my disease began after college. A few years ago, I started reading voraciously again, and it’s been immensely gratifying.
Not writing. When I couldn’t exercise anymore, I searched for an outlet to channel my stress and frustrations. When I began writing in 2012, everything changed. I just wish I started sooner!
Thinking that I’ve got nothing to share. It took a long time to shake the feeling that I had nothing worth sharing with the world. The good news is, we all have something to share.
Abandoning book projects. I’ve tried to write four books in my life. Three never made it past the first draft.
That is, until now! 🥳
I’m happy to share that I’ve finished the second draft of my book. (A compilation of 100 lessons learned on my rare disease journey.) I’ve still got a ways to go, but this is an important milestone! I’m getting closer every day. 🙌
Click here to read Part 2.
These are so great. A couple that really resonated: "Giving myself zero points for winning. I wrote about this last week. As I’ve come to learn, when you treat success as “something you were supposed to do,” you’ve already lost."
And setting new years resolutions. Ugh... Yeah. Cringe.
59 though!!! Waaaa!!! Bobcats are so cute. I wanna snuggle them but they have murder mittens. “If not friend, why friend shaped?”
Incredible list, Chris. I know I’ll be returning to this again and again. I no longer set resolutions for the new year. I pick a word that I want to embody and have it at my work desk the whole year to remind me of my intention. I’ve really enjoyed that over hard line resolutions. Can’t wait for part 2!!! 💥