Breaking Free of the Comparison Trap

8 ways to feel more secure about where you are in life

Photo by Ryutaro Tsukata on Pexels

I joined Instagram in November 2012 after purchasing my first iPhone, a 4s about the size of a deck of cards. My first post was a blurry picture of Anthony Bourdain on-stage at Boston’s Symphony Hall as part of his “Guts and Glory” tour. While taking questions from the audience, a man walked up to the stage and tried to hand Bourdain a pipe of who-knows-what to smoke. Everyone–including Bourdain–burst into laughter at the absurdity of the moment. I tried to take the picture mid-guffaw, and, well, it didn’t come out great. But I didn’t care—I was two rows away from Anthony Bourdain. I was just happy to be there.

The next day, I posted the image. It took me about fifteen minutes, as I refused to ask my younger coworkers for help. I finally figured it out, and from then on, I was hooked. Over the next few months, I posted all sorts of content, from Boston skyline shots to pictures of my newborn niece. 

In the early days of Instagram, all anyone cared about was using filters. Sepia. Black and White. Hudson. Some of the filters seem dated and overused now, but at the time, it wasn’t enough to just post pictures, we also had to find a way to spice up the monotony of our lives in the most dramatic, artsy way possible. 

But at some point, as my muscle disease turned my life into a wasteland of broken dreams, Instagram—along with Facebook, Twitter, and other social media apps—became a daily reminder of how far off course my life had veered. I saw what my peers were doing and couldn’t help but compare my (lack of) progress against theirs. Every time my friends and coworkers posted about life milestones—getting engaged, dream weddings, buying homes, having kids, going on fun vacations—I felt the acute isolation brought on by my withering body.

Social media became a reminder of who I was—and more painfully—who I wasn’t. 

Thankfully, my relationship with social media has improved over the last decade. Or at least, I am more clear-eyed about the benefits and drawbacks. It’s not all bad—social media does have some redeeming value. For example, it is a good way to keep in touch with friends all around the world and it allows me to build an audience here on Hello, Adversity. And of course, there are the times when someone shares a hilarious meme or heartfelt video that makes it worth it for a day.

But more often than not, social media makes me feel worse about the world, and when I am not careful, it plunges me into the comparison abyss. I focus on what others have done while reminding myself of what I’ve missed out on. When this happens, it can send me into a tailspin.

Even though I know that social media—especially Instagram—represents the most airbrushed, artificial, versions of ourselves, I still get envious of what my peers have accomplished in their lives. 

This comparison trap also occurs in the real world. When I am talking to a friend or chatting with coworkers, I often find myself measuring up to them subconsciously. Who’s further along in their career? Are they living the life I wish I was leading? The questions are incessant.

I must admit, this is not a great way to go through life. It increases my anxiety, manifests regret, and often causes me to feel frustrated at my circumstances. It takes my attention away from the good that is happening all around me. It’s a switch that turned on that I can’t turn off.

To be clear, I don’t wish for anyone’s misfortune, and I don’t expect anyone to keep to themselves when they achieve a meaningful life milestone. (If you have a baby, that is worth celebrating!) I am a big believer in acknowledging victories, big and small. Life is fragile and uncertain; we must enjoy the good moments when they happen. But when I feel like nothing is going my way sometimes, the success of others can be a painful reminder of what might have been.

If there’s any comfort, it’s in knowing I’m not the only one who falls into the comparison trap. Social media has primed us all to be hyper-aware of what others are doing, at the expense of our enjoyment and sanity. In conversation after conversation, I have heard friends confess they feel the same way.

Why is everyone else having fun except me?

Our lives already contain enough adversity; why should we pile on more by obsessing over how we measure up? Although we know where this thinking leads, we can’t seem to stop it.

Every day, there are comparison tripwires. For example:

• Maybe you saw your classmate from school post about their promotion on LinkedIn. They begin their post with “I’m humbled to share….” followed by ten sentences about how great they are. Meanwhile, you are languishing in your job, wondering if you will ever get a raise, let alone a promotion.

• Or maybe you are talking with a friend and they are gushing about their dream wedding coming up soon. They are telling you every last detail about the special day, and how they agonized over whether to get married on a beach or a hilltop. Meanwhile, you are single and can’t imagine a good date, let alone your wedding day.

• Or maybe you are struggling with a health challenge that keeps you home most of the day, and get frustrated when you scroll past everyone else’s vacation pictures on Instagram.

No matter the cause of comparison—whether it’s a promotion, a wedding, a vacation, or something else—we need to ask ourselves: Why should we feel like a failure based on what someone else is doing? What good comes from thinking that our lives are terrible simply because others are living the good life? (If they even are—we are only seeing their “highlight reel”, after all.)

If we don’t push back against these destructive thoughts, this line of thinking can lead to resentment and self-loathing, which then opens Pandora’s Box of negativity. Worse, we might try to become someone we’re not, all for the sake of temporarily measuring up to an arbitrary standard.

When we fall into the comparison trap, we usually end up feeling envious, sad, and angry. And for what? Because that person you don’t really like went to Tahiti? 

Breaking free of the comparison trap

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way. (Or at least, not all the time.) There are ways to mitigate the urge to compare without driving ourselves crazy.

But it won’t be easy; if it were, it wouldn’t be a problem. It takes constant reinforcement and practice. Although we will never be able to stop comparing ourselves to our peers, there are ways, if not to eliminate the impulse, to at least control it.

Some comparison is inevitable; we are humans after all. And in certain instances, comparison can be healthy, such as when it provides needed motivation. But when we feel ourselves start to spiral, it helps to have some tools available to feel better about our life circumstances and let go of the need to measure up.

One obvious step is to limit our social media consumption. Unfortunately, as any social media-addicted person knows, that’s a tall order.

If you aren’t able to limit your social media intake, there are other ways to break free of the comparison trap. Here are eight strategies that I’ve found useful:

1. Reflect on why you fall into the comparison trap in the first place

If you are feeling envious about what others have accomplished or the milestones they’ve achieved, something might be amiss in your life. What is making you feel inadequate or dissatisfied? A little self-reflection can go a long way to diagnosing the underlying reasons. 

Ask yourself:

• What is causing me to compare myself to others?

• Is it the fact that I haven’t hit certain life milestones I had expected to achieve by now?

• Am I feeling trapped by current circumstances?

• Am I dealing with health challenges or a spate of bad luck that has me feeling down?

• Do I feel as though my life lacks purpose?

You may not like the answers you surface, but at least you will get to the root of the problem. Knowledge is an important first step.

Looking at my own situation, my disease was the trigger that caused me to compare myself to others. Once I began to go down my unique life path, I lost commonalities with my peer group.

What I didn’t realize until much later (because I didn’t reflect), was that it didn’t make sense to compare my life to theirs. Their life circumstances were now far different from my own. My timeline had changed. It was now an apples-to-oranges comparison. 

Had I realized this sooner, I could have seen that my goals were still achievable, just on a new timeline that would take into account my unique life challenges.

I could have saved myself a lot of frustration had I surfaced the underlying cause from the beginning. 

Photo by Randy Jacob on Unsplash

2. Think about your purpose

Life is more than just accomplishments and successes. It is easy to get tied up in worldly things, but ultimately, they will never truly make us happy. Therefore, if someone has something you don’t have or has done something you haven’t done, is it such a big deal? If you ascribe your purpose to status or wealth, it might be, but life isn’t all about fame and bank accounts.

Take some time to consider what is most important to you. If it’s status or possessions (and if it is, I’m not here to judge), just know that they might make you vulnerable to comparison. If your purpose is something more intangible—loving others, your faith, being a good person, etc.—remember this the next time you feel tempted to think you don’t measure up. You might be worrying about something that doesn’t align with your values.

3. Remember that we see the best versions of everyone else while being painfully aware of our own flaws

There is an asymmetry to social media and to our everyday conversations with people. We see and hear only the best parts of their lives, but not the bad parts. Meanwhile, we know the ins and outs of our existence, painfully aware of our failures, setbacks, and shortcomings.

With this setup, how can we ever compare to others? Even if we are aware of this asymmetry, it is hard to remember in the heat of the moment when we are doom-scrolling or having a conversation. 

Think about your posting habits. Chances are, you post when you feel good. You probably like to share your successes, your cool vacations, and your children achieving important milestones. If you have recently gotten in shape, you might show off your hard work.

And there’s nothing wrong with any of this! Again, it is good to celebrate milestones. It’s not vanity if we do it in moderation, especially if it’s something meaningful like an engagement or a new home purchase. (This also applies to real-life conversations.)

Sharing the good stuff is much easier than sharing failures and setbacks. It is difficult to confront discomfort and failure, let alone tell others about it. It is even harder to ask for help.

Social media, unfortunately, exacerbates the asymmetry. I read this quote in Psychology Today¹ and thought it was an apt description of the problem:

Social media is like kerosene poured on the flame of social comparison, dramatically increasing the information about people that we're exposed to and forcing our minds to assess. In the past, we absorbed others' triumphs sporadically—the alumni bulletin would report a former classmate having made partner at the law firm or a neighbor would mention that his kid got into Harvard. Now such news is at our fingertips constantly, updating us about a greater range of people than we previously tracked, and we invite its sepia-filtered jolts of information into our commutes, our moments waiting in line for coffee, even our beds at 2 A.M.

If there’s a silver lining, it’s that society is beginning to normalize the messiness of our lives as a way to counteract the “highlight reel” facade of social media. This is good. The more authentic stories out there in the world, the less we will feel like we are comparing ourselves to idealized versions of others. And that is beneficial for everyone’s mental health.

Next time you go on an app, or you hear someone at work gushing about how great their life is, take a moment and remember what they are not sharing. It’s not that we need to hear people talk about their struggles to feel vindicated, but it’s helpful to remember that everyone else has their problems, too.

4. Know that people are more grateful than they appear

One of the traps I fall into sometimes is thinking that everyone takes their fortune for granted. In other words, not only are they successful and enjoying life, but they expect it to be this easy. I’m not sure why I think this way, but it only compounds the frustration. 

To counteract this line of thinking, when I am scrolling social media and see something that might make me envious, I like to think to myself, “What is the whole story here? What am I missing that they haven’t shared?” I think about failures they might have experienced or difficulties on the road to success, and it usually ends up aligning with the actual story which I learn later on. It turns out they are grateful, and their story is anything but easy.

Here’s an example. I saw a friend recently who bought a house. When I first learned about the purchase on social media I felt envious, but after taking a brief pause to consider the whole situation, I soon realized that their home purchase likely came with all sorts of heartaches, failures, and setbacks. No home purchase is that easy. 

When I talked to them about the experience later on, they confessed that although they were happy to buy the house, they were terrified of the responsibility and unsure if they made the right choice. They also lamented how many homes they missed out on and how much they had to overbid to get this house. The more I learned the whole story, the more I shared in their relief and accomplishment. 

5. Have an abundance mindset

Underlying a lot of comparisons is zero-sum thinking. We hear over and over about how life is a zero-sum game. A dog-eat-dog world. How it’s ruthless and harsh. How we must grind and fight at all times because as soon as we rest, the person who hasn’t slept since they were two will out-work us. 

Yeah, that’s not real life.

Now, there are some instances when life is a zero-sum game, when there’s only one winner. Think of a sports game or an election. But the mistake we often make is to think that all of life is zero-sum. Just because someone else bought a house before us doesn’t mean we can’t buy a house. Just because a friend got married first, had kids first, or got a promotion first, doesn’t mean we never will. Someone else’s good fortune is not our failure. Very often, we can both win. 

Even situations that appear at first to be zero-sum usually aren’t. For example, if a coworker got a promotion we wanted, we might still be able to get a raise. Or it might give us the motivation to seek another job where we’ll be more appreciated. There are other ways to “win” outside of the initial competition.

The opposite of zero-sum thinking is an abundance mentality where we can all win. We can all succeed and be happy independent of what others are doing. We can lift someone up while also lifting ourselves. This is a much better place to be.

A lot of problems in society occur because we are told life is a zero-sum game. This allows demagogues to manipulate us and social media to play to our fears, which ratchets up our existential angst. 

Unfortunately, no one ever hears someone shout from the pulpit, “We can win! And so can they!” But it’s true.

6. Embrace your unique path

As I mentioned in the last point, what initially seems like a loss might end up being a win later on. This belies an important point: life unfolds at its own pace. There was a wonderful Wall Street Journal article recently about this topic, highlighting late bloomers who achieved life milestones later than they initially expected. Despite getting what they wanted later in life, they were no less happy or fulfilled.

Think of all the people you thought were so cool in high school. The kids who seemed to be destined for a life of leisure and luxury. How are they doing today? Some of them might be successful but others likely have passed their peak. Some might have even crashed and burned. In my own high school, I know this is the case.

This is not to say we want bad things to happen to anyone, rather it’s to make an instructive point. When we are on social media, we are catching all people at the same point in time, even though we operate on different life arcs and timelines. Someone’s good fortune today might be their misfortune in a year, which might be exactly when we catch our break.

This is something I have to remind myself constantly when I fall into the comparison trap. My disease has forced me to live a life that unfolds differently from my peers. As I mentioned earlier, it took a while to accept this new timeline. But once I did, it was liberating. 

At the end of the day, we are all unique individuals with different life circumstances. No two people are alike. No one has dealt with your exact circumstances, and never will. Your path is distinctly your own, whether it’s been easy or difficult. The best person to live your life is you.

Photo by Danica Tanjutco on Unsplash

7. Focus on what you DO have

When we compare, we usually obsess over what we don’t have. In some instances, we realize we have more than someone else, but most of the time we focus on where we fall short.

We must be grateful for what we do have. I know it sounds a little preachy but it unlocks so much gratitude. Yes, we may have difficulties, hardships, and sorrow. But in the grand scheme of things, we are not lacking nearly as much as we think.

Think about your own circumstances. Maybe you are not “successful” in the material sense, but you have your health. Plenty of successful people would trade their success for better health. Or maybe you don’t have a job, but you have a wonderful support system and marketable skills that will eventually land you back on your feet. Maybe you don’t have anything but faith, purpose, and family. That’s quite a lot right there!

To reinforce this point, take a few minutes and write out what you’re grateful for. This list, when strategically placed on your phone or a sticky note, can serve as a helpful corrective when you are tempted to focus on what you don’t have.

Also, remember—somebody somewhere wishes they had what you have. They might see you on social media and feel they don’t measure up. 

8. Rather than feel envious, be inspired

The next time you feel envious about something, instead of loathing yourself or the other person, think about whether it can serve as inspiration.

For example, if someone recently took a vacation somewhere you want to go, instead of brooding, think about what it would take to pull off a trip like that. Work backwards on how you can get from here to there. Maybe it requires saving money, hoarding vacation time, or even pursuing a different job. It might not be possible, or it might be more doable than you initially expected. At worst, it gets the gears turning in your mind.

I’m trying to get better about being inspired instead of envious. Envy always seems to be the default!

We are all in the same boat

This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but hopefully, it can start you down a healthier, more balanced path.

We all struggle with comparison. We try to show the world the best versions of ourselves because we think that’s the only way to measure up to everyone else doing the same. But we are all flawed. We are all hurting. Unfortunately, a lot of that hurt comes from comparing ourselves to ideals that don’t actually exist.

But when we embrace our imperfections and unique life timelines, we can start to see that we’ve been great all along.

1. I didn’t write too much about the psychology of comparison, as I wanted to get right to the action steps. If you are interested in learning more about the science, this Psychology Today article is a useful introductory resource.