Re-Post: The Accidental Book Download That Changed My Life
Re-Post: The Accidental Book Download That Changed My Life
How The Midnight Library helped me let go of what might have been
Hi everyone!
I’m taking off this week to rest up. It’s been a challenging last few days — I’ll explain more next week.
Today, I want to re-share one of my favorite posts from earlier this year.
Enjoy!
Chris
When I’m not careful, my mind daydreams about the other lives I could have lived.
In each of these dreams, I am married. I have children. I have a dog. I travel the world. I write best-selling novels and give inspiring speeches. My bank account is….healthy.
In some of these dreams, I have my muscle disease but can afford a team of helpers who travel with me, care for my daily needs, and handle all my logistics. In other dreams, I am fully able, either because I was cured of my disease or I never had it to begin with.
Each of these dreams has an underlying premise: if only something about my life was different, or if I had chosen x instead of y, my life would be better than it is today.
I am always asking myself, “What if?”
What if I had moved to New York City after graduation and tried to make it as a writer? Would my life have been more exciting?
What if, motivated by my rare disease diagnosis, I had been a biology major and dedicated my life to finding a cure for my disease? Would I be able to walk today?
What if I had traveled the world after college instead of staying in Boston? What life-changing experiences did I miss out on?
What if I had asked that cute blond in my marketing class out on a date? Would we be married today?
Every time I dwell on what might have been, I feel worse about my real-life circumstances. I pick at the scabs of past regrets and relive the consequences of wrong decisions. I become ungrateful, despite the many blessings in my life.
A little daydreaming is fine, but when taken to the extreme, it becomes toxic. When I can’t stop thinking about these other lives, I fall into a negativity spiral, which leads to prolonged bouts of anxiety and depression.
For too long, this was the norm for me. That is, until last year.
The Midnight Library
Sometimes, you find books. And sometimes, books find you.
Last February, I downloaded the Hoopla reading app on my iPhone, so I could check out ebooks from my local library. (I buy way too many Kindle books, but that’s a topic for another day.)
To test the app’s functionality, I decided to check out a book. I was scrolling through the options when I accidentally pressed a button and downloaded The Midnight Library, by Matt Haig.
I had no idea what it was about but was drawn to the blue and orange cover. I searched Amazon and saw it was a best-seller. I don’t usually read fiction, but I was intrigued enough to read a few pages to see if it was any good.
Three hours later, I finished it.
Without spoiling the book too much, The Midnight Library is about a young woman, Nora Seed, who hates her current life. One day, something happens to Nora (I’m being intentionally vague) and she’s taken to a dream world — the Midnight Library.
In this library, Nora has access to all the other lives she could have lived had she made different decisions along the way. All she has to do is open a book and be transported to one of these alternate worlds.
Nora is given the chance to be a rock star, a bar owner, and a glaciologist. She sees what her life would have been like if she married her ex, Dan, or moved to Australia with her friend Izzy.
But Nora soon realizes that each of these lives has their own drawbacks. In her alternate worlds, she still has to contend with broken relationships, loneliness, and lack of purpose. And worse, in some of these scenarios, the people she loves are negatively affected by her life choices.
It’s hard to summarize The Midnight Library any further without giving away the ending, but the book challenges the reader to consider a fundamental question:
Why do we automatically assume that our other lives would be better?
Different lives, different problems
When we daydream about what might have been, we only think about ideal worlds where everything breaks our way. This is how Nora felt about her other lives — until she got the chance to live them. Once they became a reality, the luster wore off in a hurry.
It’s understandable to want to escape our current circumstances in this flawed, unsettling world we live in. It’s natural to daydream about the person we could have been.
But there’s a problem with these utopian other lives: utopia doesn’t exist. In these other worlds, we’d still have to contend with disappointment, heartache, sadness, tragedy, regret, financial struggles, health challenges, and other issues.
It’s not like if we made a different decision five years ago, our hardships would magically disappear. We would still be subject to the forces of randomness and evil.
Reading The Midnight Library was such an a-ha moment for me because I never considered any of this before. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. I never thought about how these alternate Chris Anselmos might have ended up in a worse place than I am today. I only assumed good things would happen.
To illustrate this point, let’s look a little closer at the scenarios mentioned earlier:
If I move to New York after graduation and become a writer, maybe I write the Great American Novel, make it big, and become world-famous. Who knows. But I also could fail miserably, go broke, move home, and give up on my dream. Or worse, maybe success turns me into a vain, contemptible egomaniac that everyone hates.
If I become a researcher, maybe I find a cure for my disease. Yay! But I also could burn out from overwork. Maybe I pin my hopes on a treatment that ultimately fails, leaving me so crushed professionally and personally that I slip into permanent despair.
If I travel the world after graduation, maybe I have a wonderful, life-changing experience that I’m still thinking about today. Or, maybe I come down with a horrible illness thousands of miles from home, or I get lost in some remote terrain and have to subsist on bugs and rainwater for 30 days until I get rescued.
If I ask out my college crush on a date, maybe she says yes and we’re married today with a family. Or, maybe she says no and tells me to get lost.
None of this means we shouldn’t do something because of what might happen. But if we’re going to beat ourselves up because we aren’t living the life we should have led, we need to remember that we aren’t seeing the full, unbiased picture.
I like how Cormac McCarthy put it: “You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.”
7 ways to appreciate your current life
Let me state up front that this is a general framework. I recognize that for many people, any other life would seem preferable to this one, whether because of hardship, tragedy, or loss. (And if this describes you, I’m sorry!)
That said, if you are looking to stop daydreaming about what might have been, there are several steps that you can take:
Read The Midnight Library. It’s a quick read, and I think you’ll enjoy it.
Poke holes in your alternate lives. If you’re daydreaming about a better life you could have led, take a moment to think about the drawbacks of living this other life. Maybe it would have made you a terrible person or left you worse off in the long run.
Focus on the present moment. At the end of the day, this is the only life we can live. Don’t dwell on the past — which can’t be changed — or obsess over the future, which hasn’t happened yet. Living in day-tight compartments focused on the present moment will allow you to make better choices in the here and now. This is the best way to spend our finite mental energy.
Practice negative visualization. (This one might not be for everyone.) Next time you find yourself lamenting what might have been, think about losing what you still have — the people in your life, your home, your savings, etc. Your life might not be what you wanted, but it could always be worse.
Remember that life is full of tradeoffs. Saying yes to one thing is saying no to something else. For example, if you wish you had done more traveling earlier in life, it might have been great, but it also would have taken you away from your family and friends. All our wistful dreams carry some sort of tradeoff.
Remember the butterfly effect. Decisions we make not only affect those around us, but they also impact who we meet and when. Had I moved to New York City after graduation, I never would have met my coworkers or grad school classmates who are a major part of my support system today. I can’t imagine life without them!
There might still be time to achieve your dreams. Next time you find yourself daydreaming about a specific situation, ask yourself what might still be possible. Just because something hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it never will. For example, if you want to live in another country, you might still be able to. Or if you want to pursue a different profession, it may not be too late.
Seeing life in a new light
My life might not be how I would have drawn it up, but as The Midnight Library helped show me, this doesn’t mean my life is bad.
Tough? Sure. Bad? Not a chance.
Given all that I’ve been through, I am happy with the person that I’ve become. I still have character flaws and am still prone to dark days, but I am proud of how I’ve responded to unrelenting adversity these last fifteen years.
I am thankful for my family, my friends, and my faith.
I am grateful that I did become a writer, albeit a different one than I expected all those years ago.
Would my other lives have been better? Maybe, or maybe not. But this is the life I’ve been given, and I’m going to make the most of it.
Loved this first time around, and read 'The Midnight Library' on the strength of it - thank you so much, Chris.
Love Matt Haig and the Midnight library!
So glad to have found your writing too on Substack Chris; I am going to search through some of your great writing with a nice cup of tea, thanks so much for sharing. 🙏🏾❤️