From Enemy to Friend
Re-learning how to treat myself with kindness
“What progress have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.” - Seneca
Two weeks ago, I wrote on a healthcare form that I’m 38 years old.
There was just one problem: I’m 37.
Thankfully, I caught the mistake before I submitted the form. Although I look back on it and laugh, this minor gaffe was the symptom of a larger issue: I’m exhausted.
I’ve been going nonstop for so long — juggling the effects of my muscle disease, finding a job, writing a book, growing this newsletter, trying to make something out of my life — that I’ve burned myself out in the process.
Not great.
I’m stressed out all the time. Little frustrations that didn’t use to bother me now set me off. And when I’m stressed, it’s almost impossible to write.
Meanwhile, my inner critic is eager to tear me down at the slightest provocation. On too many days, exhausted and stretched thin, I give it free rein to say what it wants to say, and when I’m not careful, I believe every word.
Even though I know that this inner critic is just a blabbering loudmouth and that somewhere, calling for my attention, is the kinder version of myself, I dismiss this supportive voice or ignore it altogether.
But then a funny thing happened last week.
While editing my book — a compilation of life lessons learned on my rare disease journey — I reached lesson #73:
Be the friend you need.
I laughed.
For the past few years, I have heeded this advice. I gave myself a break, learned to celebrate everyday victories, and generally felt good about how I was handling my circumstances.
But recently — if we’re being honest — I haven’t been a friend to myself.
If anything, I have been my own worst enemy.
Be the friend you need.
This reminder was well-timed. Instead of writing, I leaned back in my chair, closed my eyes, and thought about what life would be like if I ignored my inner critic and instead treated myself with kindness and respect.
Immediately, I felt a sense of peace wash over me.
“Chris.”
I popped up in my chair. “What? Who said that?”
“I did.”
I turned to my right and saw….me. A carbon copy of myself, down to the white Uconn T-shirt, blue sweatpants, brown glasses, short cropped hair, and unruly beard.
“How….how are you me?” I asked, befuddled yet slightly amused.
“I’m the kinder version of you. I’m Kind Chris.”
I furrowed my brow. “This is a dream, right?” Duh, Chris.
“Yes, this is a dream.”
I took a sip of coffee and noticed that no matter how much I drank, my mug was always full. I smiled.
“I —”
Kind Chris put his hand up. “Before you ask questions, let me just tell the audience (breaks fourth wall) that I’m converting this to screenplay format. Going forward, Chris will be ‘Chris’ and I’ll be ‘KC’, for ‘Kind Chris’”.
KC: There, that’s better.
Chris: Who are you talking to?
KC: Hello, Adversity readers, of course.
Chris: Ugh, is this conversation going in my next post?
KC: Unless you’d rather write something from scratch 18 hours before it’s due?
Chris: Good point.
Inner Critic opens the door and barges into the room, accompanied by The Imperial March.
Inner Critic: “Don’t listen to him! He’s full of…..”
Kind Chris slams the door shut on Inner Critic and turns the lock.
KC: Yeah, enough of that.
Chris: Thanks. I’ve been hearing that voice way too much recently.
KC: Agreed. That’s why I came to you in this dream — it’s the only way I can get through to you. You haven’t been listening to me lately.
So if you don’t mind, it’s time for you to hear me out. Let me start by saying that you’re doing fine, and to give yourself more credit.
Chris: What do you mean?
KC: You’ve been going through so much, and dealing with circumstances not too many people have to deal with. But you aren’t giving yourself any credit for persevering, or for being a positive role model to others. All you do is dwell on your mistakes and flaws and act like you’re the worst person in the world.
Chris: I know, but I feel like a failure. It seems like I work and work and work, but make no progress.
KC: You are absolutely not a failure.
The Comparison Game
Chris: I don’t understand. I mean, look at what my friends are doing. They’re….Wait, did you just add a subheader to our conversation?
KC: It’s for readability. It’s good to break up long dialogue with signposts for the reader to stay engaged with what’s going on.
Chris nods.
Chris: Ah, okay. As I was saying, it’s frustrating to see where I stack up compared to my peers. They’re all married, and have kids, and own homes, and have steady jobs, and seem to be living fulfilling, happy lives. I want what they have.
KC: Okay, I concede that it would be nice to have those things. But you have to remember — you aren’t seeing the full picture. You’re just seeing their highlight reels. They are only showing the best parts of their lives on social media. Trust me, it’s not all good. There’s definitely some bad stuff they’re not showing.
And it’s worth keeping in mind that you have things that they don’t have. They don’t all have a loving family like you do. Or great friends. Or an ironclad purpose. Some of them are comparing themselves to you and feeling like they fall short.
Chris: That’s hard to believe, but okay.
KC: It’s true. And you are making an apples-to-oranges comparison anyways. Your circumstances are much different from theirs.
Failure is relative
Chris: I know, I know, and yet, it still feels like I haven’t achieved anything in life. Why do I feel like a failure?
KC: Look. Is there still a lot that you haven’t achieved? Sure. But it’s not too late to fall in love, or have a family, or buy a house, or build a successful career. You are headed in the right direction.
I mean, you are pursuing your dreams, man. You wake up every day doing a job you love, being your own boss, helping people. Dude, you’re a writer. You’re literally writing a book.
KC punches Chris in the arm.
Chris: Ow!
KC: Sorry, I got carried away. But I’m passionate about this! I want you to see that you’re on the right track, even if you can’t see it right now.
You have so much going for you. And for all that stuff you haven’t achieved yet, well, just stay patient and control what you can control.
Just because you haven’t yet achieved everything you want doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It takes time. And someone else’s success is not your failure.
Chris: I know, I know.
KC: Besides, you’ve figured out the important things already. You’re a good guy. You have a family that loves you. You have great friends. You have faith. Trust God!
Chris: True, true. I guess I forget that sometimes.
Focus on the positives
KC: Let me ask you this. When you listen to your inner critic — you know, that guy pounding on the door right now trying to get in — do you think you’re seeing the full, unbiased picture?
Chris: No.
KC: Exactly — you’re just focusing on the negatives. Which is understandable, but don’t forget, I’m here too. I just don’t always have the loudest voice.
Chris: You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just…I’m so overwhelmed. I just have so many regrets, and I see so much fear and uncertainty in my future. It’s hard to stay positive sometimes.
KC: You have to stop blaming yourself for everything that’s happened in your life. You’re a human being. You make mistakes. That’s what human beings do — they make mistakes. You can’t change one second of your past. And your future, well, just remember that you don’t have the best track record of predicting the future, so who’s to say how it will turn out?
No one’s perfect
Chris: True. I’m just…I’m so frustrated that I can’t seem to get out of my way. I go against my interests. I have terrible focus. I am good at giving advice, but terrible at following it myself.
KC: That’s Solomon’s Paradox, remember? Everyone struggles with this cognitive bias. It’s not like you’re the only person this happens to.
Chris sighs.
Chris: I just wish I was better at life. I just can’t get out of my head that I should have been more. That I should be more.
KC: There’s still time. There’s still time. And plus, you keep saying more, as if you’re a nobody now. But you’re somebody! Do you need me to go over the list again? You’re a….
Chris: No need. I get it.
KC: Look, everyone wishes they were more than they are. Dissatisfaction is part of the human condition. We can’t enjoy what we do have because we’re constantly focused on what we don’t have. Or what we could have been.
Chris: Did you just hyperlink your words?
KC: Pretty cool, right? Try it.
Chris: Solomon’s Paradox. Whoa!
Chris laughs, then grows somber.
Final words
Chris: You say all these great things, but….how do I find satisfaction in the here and now? I mean…..(voice drops to a whisper)…I swear there are days I find it hard to get out of bed and face the day.
KC puts his hand on Chris’s shoulder.
KC: It takes focus, and effort, no question. But don’t worry, this is my specialty. Just call on me and be willing to listen to what I have to say. Make sense?
Chris: Yeah.
KC: Above all, remember that you have so much going for you, even if it’s sometimes hard to see in the moment.
Life’s not all bad. Focus on the good, too.
Inner Critic smashes through the door, accompanied by The Imperial March.
Inner critic: “That’s toxic positivity!!”
KC takes out a remote and presses the mute button.
KC: That’s better. Forgot I had this with me.
Anyways, this is not toxic positivity. I’m not advocating that. I’m just saying that you already know the bad stuff — you just need to balance out the bad with the good and pay more attention to what’s going right in your life.
You have to get back to writing down all the good things that happen each day. At the same time, do what makes you happy. Help others. Enjoy your family and friends. Pray. These are the pillars of a meaningful, satisfying life.
You already do these things, just not always consistently.
Chris: I’m just so worn out.
KC: Rest! No one says you have to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. What kind of life is that, anyways?
Chris: But how can I take breaks? I need to keep working! The world is closing in on me.
KC: And burn yourself out? Look where that’s gotten you. Rest is the most productive thing you can do.
Chris: I guess you’re right.
KC: I am always right, but that’s a discussion for another time.
What matters is that you understand you’re doing a great job. Despite what you’re going through, you are continuing to show up, day after day, to face your challenges and make a difference. You won’t be perfect every day, but that’s fine.
Chris sits in silence for several seconds.
Chris: Am I going to be okay?
KC: If you get nothing else out of this, I want you to see that you’re already okay. Maybe things aren’t perfect, but they wouldn’t be even if you got everything you wanted. You’d just have other problems to deal with.
Just keep relying on your support system. Keep having faith. Keep showing up. And please, keep reaching out to me.
I am always here if you’re willing to listen to me.
Chris: Thank you, Kind Chris, I really appreciate it. I have one more question.
KC: Fire away.
Chris: Is anyone still reading this?
KC: About five people.
A pen rolls off the desk and falls onto the floor. The sound jolts Chris awake.
Okay, okay, I made up this story. You got me.
That said, the following definitely happened:
I thought about what a friend would say to me
I pictured a kinder version of myself saying the same thing, and
I felt much, much better.
It’s a simple mind shift, but it works.
Here’s the takeaway for today: The next time you find yourself struggling to silence your inner critic, pause and stop what you’re doing. Then, picture a supportive version of yourself boosting your confidence, offering wise counsel, and telling you how great you’re doing.
Even if you don’t believe the words yet, listen to them. If necessary, say the words out loud.
Over time, this will become more of a habit. It’s going to take practice, but it’s worth the effort. Friends and family are great, but they’re not us.
Showing ourselves kindness is one of the most loving, compassionate actions we can take.
When we do this, any adversity we face becomes less daunting. The insurmountable becomes doable.
The inner critic might be loud and obnoxious, but it doesn’t need to have the final say.
“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” – Brené Brown
💻 An exciting update!
On Monday, my digital commonplace book was featured in one of my favorite Substacks, Noted!
Noted is the premier newsletter for all things note-taking, so it made my day to see my humble notebook included in Jillian’s anniversary compilation.
My note-taking system began out of necessity when I kept losing track of quotes and passages I'd saved over the years. Today, my notes serve as raw material for my posts on Hello, Adversity, and they frequently inspire me whenever I'm going through a rough time.
Here are two sample pages in my notebook: Confidence and Perseverance.
My full commonplace book is a benefit I offer paid subscribers, and I’m adding new pages all the time. Topic pages include Confidence, Failure & Success, Agency/Control, Overcoming Fear, Dealing with Anger, Perseverance, and Public Speaking.
I could talk about note-taking all day, so if you're curious about my process, I’m happy to answer any questions! And if you’d like to upgrade to access my full notebook, you can do so here:
This was FANFUCKINGTASTIC and I love anything with the Imperial March. WE ALL needed to read this. Thank you, Chris. And YES, we’ve all got our problems. I personally know people that have wild success and exorbitant amounts of money and they are absolute messes in other ways. Perspective is so important. Maybe the most important.
I love how you were able to shift into kindness towards yourself - finding that sweet voice to overcome the inner critic. You showed how we can all step back and see the bigger picture, too!