This week marks the 1-year anniversary of my first post on Hello, Adversity. Time flies!
This week, I thought I’d switch it up a bit. Instead of me asking you a question, what questions do you have for me? (About adversity, of course.)
For example:
Do you need advice about a problem you’re facing?
Do you want a set of resilience strategies to help with a particular type of adversity? (i.e. facing failure, dealing with a difficult colleague, finding balance, etc.)
Are you looking for book/article/podcast recommendations?
Do you want me to share a specific story from my resilience journey?
Put your question in the comments below and I’ll respond as soon as I’m able.
Caveats: Just remember that I’m not a doctor so I can’t offer medical advice, nor am I a therapist. Also, take everything I say with a grain of salt, avoid hot-button topics, be respectful, etc.
I received this email question from John (who said I could post his question here):
"The biggest struggle that I have is making time for myself and family, not to mention social connections. I have a high pressure and demanding job, but a boss that encourages a balance. It's in my mind that I struggle with letting go of my professional life to give attention to others. As you can imagine, these other areas have suffered. What mindset is a better approach to this constant pull of guilt if I am not working? Thanks! John"
I definitely understand where you are coming from re: work/life balance. Even now, it's something I struggle with. I don't have a great off switch.
What has helped me (and I have to learn this over and over) is realizing that rest is one of the most productive things we can do. We think the more we do and the longer we work, the more we get done, when in reality having time to rest and recharge (or spend time with family or doing something less taxing) can, over the long run, make us more productive.
If you find yourself still feeling guilty, you can reframe rest/family time as recharging your batteries. Then, when you return to work the next day, you'll be more rested, which then would lead to productivity benefits, better work performance, etc.
I am reading a book called Master of Change by Brad Stulberg. In the book, he mentions a speed skater named Nils van der Poel, who won gold medals at the 2022 winter olympics. van der Poel started experiencing more success once he made the decision to take weekends off, rest, and go out with friends. He did this because he was experiencing burnout from all the training he was doing and wanted a better work/life balance. Basically, by giving up two days of physical training each week, he gained more from resting up than he would have from extra training and practice. This in turn led to his Olympics success.
Great question Maddie! Two ideas come to mind. The first is the concept of rest being a key factor in productivity. It seems so counterintuitive, but it is so much better than working ourselves into the ground and burning out. (Which you just so happened to write about recently: https://maddieburton.substack.com/p/the-magic-of-slow-productivity)
The second one that comes to mind is how negative visualization can boost our gratitude and appreciation for what we have. No one wants to think about worst-case scenarios. They are scary and painful. And yet, by evoking these thoughts, we can more clearly see all that we still have.
You made me laugh with the link + reminder 😅 Totally agree about the rest thing (obvs) and ack, the negative visualization one is so tough...but I can also see exactly why it works.
Those are great questions. There are actually two things that have been hardest about starting a newsletter:
1. I am not great at promoting myself (and by extension my newsletter), even though it is essential to raising awareness and connecting with new people. It is something I am slowly getting better at, but admittedly need to do a better job of.
2. This will sound silly, but the night before I publish my post, even after I have it scheduled and ready to go, I CAN'T LET IT GO. Like - I'll schedule the post then an hour later reread it again and make more tweaks up until the point I go to bed. Even though on an intellectual level I know that the post is fine and that the links aren't incorrect/broken, the perfectionist in me drives me crazy.
Would I do this all again? Absolutely! (That's not to say I wouldn't have tweaked a few things, for example, my writing cadence now is great, but twice a week was unsustainable.) It's one of the best decisions I ever made, and is starting to open doors for me in other ways. More importantly, it's allowed me to meet many wonderful people - yourself included. These relationships alone would make it worth it, not to mention it's also allowed me to write consistently, find my writing voice, and figure out what I want to do next in my career.
Congratulations on one year Chris! I've enjoyed your posts so much. I wonder how you keep a positive disposition with all of the challenges you face? (I know you have your moments/days...but in general). Keep it up!
Thanks John! It's been really great to get to know you this past year. You were my first subscriber I didn't know, so I appreciate you helping me build confidence in my ability to not bore my audience.
Purpose is essential to a positive disposition. The 3 F's are what help me keep me positive: faith, family and friends. (I consider my readers to be friends too.) All of these factor into my purpose. It took a reallllllly long time to arrive at this point though, and there are still days when it feels like everything is about to fall apart. But everything comes back to that.
It also helps to have something to look forward to - a strech goal. I enjoy writing this newsletter and I'm also working on a book, which motivates me.
No quesion, but I love that you’re celebrating this milestone and throwing the comment section open for questions instead of a roundup on your reader stats. As a new Substacker, I find that refreshing and inspirational.
When a friend is going through something difficult and I don't know what to say or how to comfort them, I have fallen into the trap of saying nothing. That makes it look like I don't care. But I do care! What could I say to show them I care without giving them useless platitudes?
This is a great question, Amy. I think it's okay to be honest with them up front. I'd say something like you care about them, and want to help, but since you haven't gone through it before yourself (I don't know if this is true but I'm just guessing), you don't want to impose in any way or assume anything.
Then you can tell them that you will defer to them on how you can help, but that the offer is always there. I think they'll appreciate that you aren't imposing on them, while also giving them the option of reaching out for help.
And check in on them from time to time, just to ask how they're doing. That has always meant the world to me. These human touchpoints don't seem like much but they are so important.
Congrats on your milestone, Chris! What's been your favourite book about dealing with adversity? My favourites are: Obstacle is the way, antifragile, grit
Great question! The Obstacle is the Way is excellent. I'd say my favorite is Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. the takeaway from that book was essential in helping me eventually accept my disease.
Wow - i can imagine it's a powerful book. Despite how well known it is i've never actually got round to reading it, but you've bumped it way up my list now
Congrats on the one-year milestone, Chris! I'd love to hear what podcasts you recommend, especially any that wind up sparking newsletter ideas for you. I'm always looking for new podcasts to listen to!
I will be fully honest that I am a TERRIBLE podcast listener. I struggle to pay attention and I'm always stopping to rewind or take notes. I envy anyone who can listen to podcasts or audiobooks regularly. That said, I do listen to them from time to time.
No specific episodes jump out at me, but I do like the following podcasts, which help me in different ways:
The Daily Stoic podcast - A lot of what I write about is influenced by the Stoics in some way. Espcially when it comes to dealing with change, managing emotions, facing fears, etc.
How I Write - I just started getting into this podcast. David Perell interviews different writers about their writing process. This is one I am constantly stopping to jot down notes. It has helped inform my writing process every week and I've written down several quotes that I hope to incorporate into future articles.
A Slight Change of Plans - I have only listened to a couple of these episodes (I have a bunch of them in my queue) but I enjoy the subject matter and hearing how others have dealt with changes in their lives.
How I Built This with Guy Raz - Another one I don't listen to as often as I'd like, but I love hearing how others have built their business. This has given me several great entrepreneurship ideas.
The Profile podcast - not sure if Polina's interviews technically count as podcasts but I really enjoy listening to them when I can!
The Tim Ferriss podcast - always interesting, but they run a bit long and I usually only listen to parts of episodes. But his podcast was how I learned about Derek Sivers, who wrote a book, Anything You Want, which I really enjoyed. The way he wrote his book inspired me to approach my book in the same way - short chapters on different topics related to my personal journey.)
The Knowledge Project - this is a bit on the nerdy side and requires a little extra attention to get through. But I learn a lot from these episodes. It was how I originally learned about Ryan Holiday, which opened the door to Stoicism and all his books.
And that's actually how podcasts have best served me - they open doors to other ideas, people and stories I otherwise wouldn't have come across. I love going down rabbit holes!
Great question Jackie! Ummmmm I don't know if I have a favorite song per se...it really depends on what I'm doing. When I write articles, which can get stressful, I like country music and classic rock. If I am generally feeling down or having a bad day, I tend to like either movie instrumentals, religious music or if I need to really motivate myself, 90s hip hop. Which I realize is an INCREDIBLY strange mix but it works somehow lol.
As someone who has a very random mish mosh of stuff on my phone, can definitely appreciate that! Different genres for different moods and situations. Really works.
Hi Chris! Thanks for doing this. Curious if you have any thoughts on external validation (as in not having confidence in ourselves until someone tells us we are doing well) and how to manage that in a healthier way.
Before I answer I just want to ask a clarifying question: Are you asking how we can boost intrinsic confidence so that we are less reliant on external validation? Or how to worry less about what other people think? (Or both.)
Sure - thank you! The first one, mainly. I can really struggle with feeling like I'm not doing "well enough" — especially during hard or transitional times in my life — unless I hear it from someone else.
I certainly can relate to that feeling and understand where you are coming from!
I have a few thoughts that come to mind. One of the epiphanies that helped me when it comes to confidence and external validation was realizing that everyone struggles with confidence. Even the most outwardly-confident people are often the most insecure. Although this insight didn't magically make me more confident, it was encouraging to know that I was struggling with something that everyone struggles with too. I find now that when I talk about how I struggle with confidence from time to time, someone usually jumps in and goes "I worry about that too!". This happens all the time!
Intertwined with confidence is comparison - when we encounter a personal setback or are struggling in some way, we compare our circumstances against what everyone else is doing, and it always seems like life is going smoothly for them. This happened to me when I was unemployed a few years back. It seemed like at the time, everyone in my network was getting promoted, and I wondered if I had failed in some way, overlooking the reason why I was unemployed - I had burned out. And yet, when I talked to those people a few months later (many of them were my friends from business school), they either hated their job, felt stuck in their careers, or admitted that the promotion came at the expense of work/life balance. I started to realize that when I compared myself to other people, I wasn't seeing the full picture. Everyone always broadcasts their successes but we don't see the internal doubt, failures, and confidence issues. I've kept this in mind ever since.
Another insight that's helped me is that life doesn't follow a set path, no matter how much we want to think that achieving x by a certain age is "the right way". (I struggle with this all the time.) Everyone's path is unique, with their own circumstances, experiences, advantages/disadvantages, etc. When my disease began in my early 20s, I was comparing myself against all these external benchmarks of where I should be in life, while failing to comprehend that my new path was extremely unique (and difficult). I eventually realized that I needed to stop beating myself up over not achieving certain life goals in the timeframe I had originally given myself. As soon as I let go of these milestones, I was able to rebuild my life in a healthier, more enjoyable way. I still wish I did certain things by a certain age, but I've also seen doors open that would have remained closed if I lived the average life I originally hoped for.
I'm not sure of your situation so I can't offer specific advice, but I would just say that what you struggle with is universal to the human condition. It's something we all deal with at some point, either earlier in life or later. If you are happy, or on a path of self-discovery, and it doesn't lead to external validation, that doesn't mean you did anything "wrong".
These hard and transitional times are often the catalyst to something better. It may not become clear overnight, but years from now, you can look back and say that you are a better person for having gone through it. The people offering external validation only care about the here and now and can't see the big picture.
Chris, this is gold! This comment is like a warm cup of tea on a hot day. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this! You're so right that a lot of the need for validation is intertwined with comparison to others. And always a great reminder that tough times breed better times :)
I received this email question from John (who said I could post his question here):
"The biggest struggle that I have is making time for myself and family, not to mention social connections. I have a high pressure and demanding job, but a boss that encourages a balance. It's in my mind that I struggle with letting go of my professional life to give attention to others. As you can imagine, these other areas have suffered. What mindset is a better approach to this constant pull of guilt if I am not working? Thanks! John"
My response:
Hi John! Thank you so much for your question.
I definitely understand where you are coming from re: work/life balance. Even now, it's something I struggle with. I don't have a great off switch.
What has helped me (and I have to learn this over and over) is realizing that rest is one of the most productive things we can do. We think the more we do and the longer we work, the more we get done, when in reality having time to rest and recharge (or spend time with family or doing something less taxing) can, over the long run, make us more productive.
If you find yourself still feeling guilty, you can reframe rest/family time as recharging your batteries. Then, when you return to work the next day, you'll be more rested, which then would lead to productivity benefits, better work performance, etc.
I am reading a book called Master of Change by Brad Stulberg. In the book, he mentions a speed skater named Nils van der Poel, who won gold medals at the 2022 winter olympics. van der Poel started experiencing more success once he made the decision to take weekends off, rest, and go out with friends. He did this because he was experiencing burnout from all the training he was doing and wanted a better work/life balance. Basically, by giving up two days of physical training each week, he gained more from resting up than he would have from extra training and practice. This in turn led to his Olympics success.
What a great idea, Chris!
I'd be curious to hear the most surprising, counterintuitive thing you've learned about adversity and resilience—even better if it comes with a story.
Great question Maddie! Two ideas come to mind. The first is the concept of rest being a key factor in productivity. It seems so counterintuitive, but it is so much better than working ourselves into the ground and burning out. (Which you just so happened to write about recently: https://maddieburton.substack.com/p/the-magic-of-slow-productivity)
The second one that comes to mind is how negative visualization can boost our gratitude and appreciation for what we have. No one wants to think about worst-case scenarios. They are scary and painful. And yet, by evoking these thoughts, we can more clearly see all that we still have.
You made me laugh with the link + reminder 😅 Totally agree about the rest thing (obvs) and ack, the negative visualization one is so tough...but I can also see exactly why it works.
Appreciate your answer, friend!
(Also, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! 🥳)
Thank you!
Wow, congrats Chris! One year is an incredible milestone.
What has been the hardest but most rewarding part of starting your newsletter? And would you do it again if you knew then what you know now?
Thanks Polina!
Those are great questions. There are actually two things that have been hardest about starting a newsletter:
1. I am not great at promoting myself (and by extension my newsletter), even though it is essential to raising awareness and connecting with new people. It is something I am slowly getting better at, but admittedly need to do a better job of.
2. This will sound silly, but the night before I publish my post, even after I have it scheduled and ready to go, I CAN'T LET IT GO. Like - I'll schedule the post then an hour later reread it again and make more tweaks up until the point I go to bed. Even though on an intellectual level I know that the post is fine and that the links aren't incorrect/broken, the perfectionist in me drives me crazy.
Would I do this all again? Absolutely! (That's not to say I wouldn't have tweaked a few things, for example, my writing cadence now is great, but twice a week was unsustainable.) It's one of the best decisions I ever made, and is starting to open doors for me in other ways. More importantly, it's allowed me to meet many wonderful people - yourself included. These relationships alone would make it worth it, not to mention it's also allowed me to write consistently, find my writing voice, and figure out what I want to do next in my career.
Congratulations on one year Chris! I've enjoyed your posts so much. I wonder how you keep a positive disposition with all of the challenges you face? (I know you have your moments/days...but in general). Keep it up!
Thanks John! It's been really great to get to know you this past year. You were my first subscriber I didn't know, so I appreciate you helping me build confidence in my ability to not bore my audience.
Purpose is essential to a positive disposition. The 3 F's are what help me keep me positive: faith, family and friends. (I consider my readers to be friends too.) All of these factor into my purpose. It took a reallllllly long time to arrive at this point though, and there are still days when it feels like everything is about to fall apart. But everything comes back to that.
It also helps to have something to look forward to - a strech goal. I enjoy writing this newsletter and I'm also working on a book, which motivates me.
Faith, family, friends ... the most important things in life. I look forward to buying your book when it is ready!
Thanks John! I think there's another F I'm forgetting but those three are a good start.
No quesion, but I love that you’re celebrating this milestone and throwing the comment section open for questions instead of a roundup on your reader stats. As a new Substacker, I find that refreshing and inspirational.
Thanks Deb! I wouldn't even know the first thing to write about re: reader stats. Those posts are both boring and stoke comparison.
You are right about that!!
When a friend is going through something difficult and I don't know what to say or how to comfort them, I have fallen into the trap of saying nothing. That makes it look like I don't care. But I do care! What could I say to show them I care without giving them useless platitudes?
This is a great question, Amy. I think it's okay to be honest with them up front. I'd say something like you care about them, and want to help, but since you haven't gone through it before yourself (I don't know if this is true but I'm just guessing), you don't want to impose in any way or assume anything.
Then you can tell them that you will defer to them on how you can help, but that the offer is always there. I think they'll appreciate that you aren't imposing on them, while also giving them the option of reaching out for help.
And check in on them from time to time, just to ask how they're doing. That has always meant the world to me. These human touchpoints don't seem like much but they are so important.
Thanks for answering my question, Chris. I love what you're doing, both in this Q&A forum and in your newsletter.
Thanks Amy!
Congrats on your milestone, Chris! What's been your favourite book about dealing with adversity? My favourites are: Obstacle is the way, antifragile, grit
Great question! The Obstacle is the Way is excellent. I'd say my favorite is Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. the takeaway from that book was essential in helping me eventually accept my disease.
Wow - i can imagine it's a powerful book. Despite how well known it is i've never actually got round to reading it, but you've bumped it way up my list now
Congrats on the one-year milestone, Chris! I'd love to hear what podcasts you recommend, especially any that wind up sparking newsletter ideas for you. I'm always looking for new podcasts to listen to!
Thanks Katie!
I will be fully honest that I am a TERRIBLE podcast listener. I struggle to pay attention and I'm always stopping to rewind or take notes. I envy anyone who can listen to podcasts or audiobooks regularly. That said, I do listen to them from time to time.
No specific episodes jump out at me, but I do like the following podcasts, which help me in different ways:
The Daily Stoic podcast - A lot of what I write about is influenced by the Stoics in some way. Espcially when it comes to dealing with change, managing emotions, facing fears, etc.
How I Write - I just started getting into this podcast. David Perell interviews different writers about their writing process. This is one I am constantly stopping to jot down notes. It has helped inform my writing process every week and I've written down several quotes that I hope to incorporate into future articles.
A Slight Change of Plans - I have only listened to a couple of these episodes (I have a bunch of them in my queue) but I enjoy the subject matter and hearing how others have dealt with changes in their lives.
How I Built This with Guy Raz - Another one I don't listen to as often as I'd like, but I love hearing how others have built their business. This has given me several great entrepreneurship ideas.
The Profile podcast - not sure if Polina's interviews technically count as podcasts but I really enjoy listening to them when I can!
The Tim Ferriss podcast - always interesting, but they run a bit long and I usually only listen to parts of episodes. But his podcast was how I learned about Derek Sivers, who wrote a book, Anything You Want, which I really enjoyed. The way he wrote his book inspired me to approach my book in the same way - short chapters on different topics related to my personal journey.)
The Knowledge Project - this is a bit on the nerdy side and requires a little extra attention to get through. But I learn a lot from these episodes. It was how I originally learned about Ryan Holiday, which opened the door to Stoicism and all his books.
And that's actually how podcasts have best served me - they open doors to other ideas, people and stories I otherwise wouldn't have come across. I love going down rabbit holes!
So many! Thanks for the list!!
I just thought of another one: The Art of Happiness, with Arthur Brooks.
Happy one year Chris! Do you have a favorite song/songs that you listen to when you need a good pick-me-up?
Great question Jackie! Ummmmm I don't know if I have a favorite song per se...it really depends on what I'm doing. When I write articles, which can get stressful, I like country music and classic rock. If I am generally feeling down or having a bad day, I tend to like either movie instrumentals, religious music or if I need to really motivate myself, 90s hip hop. Which I realize is an INCREDIBLY strange mix but it works somehow lol.
As someone who has a very random mish mosh of stuff on my phone, can definitely appreciate that! Different genres for different moods and situations. Really works.
Happy first year, Chris! And congrats on all that you've achieved. xo
Thanks Sandra! :)
Hi Chris! Thanks for doing this. Curious if you have any thoughts on external validation (as in not having confidence in ourselves until someone tells us we are doing well) and how to manage that in a healthier way.
Hi Anna! Thank you for your question!
Before I answer I just want to ask a clarifying question: Are you asking how we can boost intrinsic confidence so that we are less reliant on external validation? Or how to worry less about what other people think? (Or both.)
Sure - thank you! The first one, mainly. I can really struggle with feeling like I'm not doing "well enough" — especially during hard or transitional times in my life — unless I hear it from someone else.
I certainly can relate to that feeling and understand where you are coming from!
I have a few thoughts that come to mind. One of the epiphanies that helped me when it comes to confidence and external validation was realizing that everyone struggles with confidence. Even the most outwardly-confident people are often the most insecure. Although this insight didn't magically make me more confident, it was encouraging to know that I was struggling with something that everyone struggles with too. I find now that when I talk about how I struggle with confidence from time to time, someone usually jumps in and goes "I worry about that too!". This happens all the time!
Intertwined with confidence is comparison - when we encounter a personal setback or are struggling in some way, we compare our circumstances against what everyone else is doing, and it always seems like life is going smoothly for them. This happened to me when I was unemployed a few years back. It seemed like at the time, everyone in my network was getting promoted, and I wondered if I had failed in some way, overlooking the reason why I was unemployed - I had burned out. And yet, when I talked to those people a few months later (many of them were my friends from business school), they either hated their job, felt stuck in their careers, or admitted that the promotion came at the expense of work/life balance. I started to realize that when I compared myself to other people, I wasn't seeing the full picture. Everyone always broadcasts their successes but we don't see the internal doubt, failures, and confidence issues. I've kept this in mind ever since.
Another insight that's helped me is that life doesn't follow a set path, no matter how much we want to think that achieving x by a certain age is "the right way". (I struggle with this all the time.) Everyone's path is unique, with their own circumstances, experiences, advantages/disadvantages, etc. When my disease began in my early 20s, I was comparing myself against all these external benchmarks of where I should be in life, while failing to comprehend that my new path was extremely unique (and difficult). I eventually realized that I needed to stop beating myself up over not achieving certain life goals in the timeframe I had originally given myself. As soon as I let go of these milestones, I was able to rebuild my life in a healthier, more enjoyable way. I still wish I did certain things by a certain age, but I've also seen doors open that would have remained closed if I lived the average life I originally hoped for.
I'm not sure of your situation so I can't offer specific advice, but I would just say that what you struggle with is universal to the human condition. It's something we all deal with at some point, either earlier in life or later. If you are happy, or on a path of self-discovery, and it doesn't lead to external validation, that doesn't mean you did anything "wrong".
These hard and transitional times are often the catalyst to something better. It may not become clear overnight, but years from now, you can look back and say that you are a better person for having gone through it. The people offering external validation only care about the here and now and can't see the big picture.
I hope this was helpful! Or at least a start...
Chris, this is gold! This comment is like a warm cup of tea on a hot day. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this! You're so right that a lot of the need for validation is intertwined with comparison to others. And always a great reminder that tough times breed better times :)
Yay! Happy it was helpful.