Chris, this might be my favorite piece of yours so far (though admittedly, that's a constantly-moving target).
The language you use to recount your story is direct and unsparing—arresting, really. And when it comes to applying your own lessons more broadly, the framework you've created is *so* spot-on. I'd never thought deeply about the barriers to asking for help (I just knew that I struggled with the same thing, ha!), but was nodding along as you identified each one.
Really wonderful work; I'm looking forward to Part 2.
Really powerful reminder of several important points which seem to be counter intuitive - I am powerless but we are powerful, I have to surrender to win. Thanks, Chris.
Interdependence isn’t something that’s modelled too often; instead, we’re often told to be independent. This was an excellent piece of writing, Chris. So glad I stumbled upon your Substack.
So true! Much of what we need to heal and thrive hasn’t been taught modelled and shown to us. I’m so grateful for people like Chris who are showing and sharing with us how it’s done! So needed 💯
What you're saying here Christopher is very true. Most of the time, we find real help in complete strangers. When we seek help from people close to us like relatives, colleagues and friends, we show our vulnerability. There goes our facade of invincibility from poverty, poor health, danger and other things. Sometimes, people close to us, when they sense our despair, grow farther from us or show less concern. Christopher, if in case, people need homeopathic care in case pharma doesn't solve anything in their medical problems, inform me and I'll send you the details about that good doctor.
Your honesty about the pride, vulnerability, fear of getting hurt, and the perception of burdening others are all common and relatable hurdles that prevent us from seeking the support we often desperately need. It's great that you've provided practical strategies for moving past these barriers, as they can be paralysing for many of us who face adversity.
Echoing what Maddie said below, I think this may be favorite stack of yours so far too (which is not an easy choice, let me tell you). It resonated so so strongly with me.
Our culture here is very much one of individualism and “pull yourself up by the bootstraps”. It doesn’t account for the fact that that’s not possible for everyone or like you said in the “Pride” section, that none of us get through life without some sort of help from someone else. We all need help at one point or another. It never makes someone "weak" to ask no matter how much that might be the message that gets conveyed.
My fear about asking for help has so many layers and I think you peeled them all back here. I'm stubborn and rather than admit I can't do something, I'll instead hurt myself trying to do it because admitting I can't do something feels like a failure or a loss of independence. I have worked up the courage to ask for help in the past too and have definitely had instances where I’ve been treated like a nuisance, had eyes rolled at me, or a myriad of other not positive reactions which put me back in my shell. I've literally been lying on the ground from falling too and people will just walk by and not come to my aid. But I’ve seen how much overall people open up to me way more when I’m vulnerable with them. And the people who haven’t been willing to help are the exception not the rule. So it really is worth it to break down those walls and ask. The people who are worth your time will always be willing to help and helping each other brings us all closer together :)
You make many excellent points. I realize that one of the barriers to help for me was not wanting to admit that my condition was getting worse. If I asked for help, I was admitting that I'd never be able to do that activity again on my own.
Way delayed response here, but that's such a great point. One of my biggest barriers in asking for help is similar to yours but slightly different. Asking for help means admitting I can't do something which means maybe I'll never be as independent as I wish I could be.
Chris, I really appreciated learning about what you are dealing with. I understand it’s very tough. But asking for help and being proactive are indeed vital. I have MS and adjustments and adaptive changes began in my college years but I didn’t yet know the cause of these challenges. I originally studied Physical Therapy until that program completion became unrealistic due to strange health issues. So a few years later I recovered enough to fly to China and teach at a medical college there. But I would learn later that I had relapsing remitting MS. Eventually every career path I pursued culminated in getting my masters in rehabilitation counseling and during that program I finally learned I had multiple sclerosis. That was in 1999. The reason I share this is to say I have some years of experience in the rehabilitation field and now at 58 I have secondary progressive MS. I’ve worked with lots of people with really challenging illnesses. Living with one challenges a person to the very core of who they are. Please know if I can ever listen or be of help in some way, I would be honored. I wrote a 100+ page workbook to help people adjust to the changes and losses associated with disability or health issues. It’s designed to help people work through the grief. If a copy would be helpful, I would send you a complementary copy. Praying for you now. I’m in Oregon.
I don’t have an ebook yet but plan to format it for kindle next year and relaunch. However I would be glad to send you a pdf you could send to your ebook reader if you’d like. My husband could help me figure that out and I have done it before for those with visual impairment or other limitations that make thst preferable. Glad to connect here.
You're welcome, Chris. I also prefer ebooks...much easier to adjust the size, etc. Please message me with an email if you would, and I'll have my husband help me over the next week to try to get you a PDF version to you. (I have done it before but it's been a little while, and he's a tech guy so I am thankful for him.)
“Maybe you say that you’ve been going through a lot, and just need someone to check in on you every once in a while. This way, you can gauge whether the person you are talking to is receptive to helping you.”
I love how you’ve dissected this and covered it from all angles.
One other thing that we often don’t realise is that actually other people love to help! It was a big lesson my healing coach helped me to learn back in 2020 when my friend had offered to help me pack and I declined her offer. Unbeknown to me i was experiencing a massive relapse at the time. Didn’t know this was what was happening, wasn’t able to communicate to this anyone.
When I went back to her to say I’d like to retract my decline and accept instead, she was delighted ! Not only that, she brought along a friend i’d only met once or twice! I still hadn’t finished packing by the time the removal men turned up, I’d been puking all night, severely ill for 4 solid weeks. Still no idea what was going on 2+ months into the relapse. Some seriously tough times. Imagine how far behind I’d’ve been if I hadn’t had that help?
I absolutely have had the hard nos too but these simply were a redirection of my limited energy and resource to channel into new areas.
That was one of the major learnings for me. People wanted to help, but they didn't know how to ask/want to intrude. Once that connection is made, it makes all the difference.
Chris, this might be my favorite piece of yours so far (though admittedly, that's a constantly-moving target).
The language you use to recount your story is direct and unsparing—arresting, really. And when it comes to applying your own lessons more broadly, the framework you've created is *so* spot-on. I'd never thought deeply about the barriers to asking for help (I just knew that I struggled with the same thing, ha!), but was nodding along as you identified each one.
Really wonderful work; I'm looking forward to Part 2.
Aw, thanks Maddie!
Thank you for sharing all of this. It’s excellent.
Thank you!
Really powerful reminder of several important points which seem to be counter intuitive - I am powerless but we are powerful, I have to surrender to win. Thanks, Chris.
Thanks Phil!
Thank you. I needed this today. I was diagnosed with LGMD 2I a few years ago. It really helps to read and hear common experiences.
Thanks David. Sorry to hear about your diagnosis but I certainly can relate.
Thanks, I do pretty well, but it’s always good to find resources. I’m glad I found your Substack and look forward to reading more.
Interdependence isn’t something that’s modelled too often; instead, we’re often told to be independent. This was an excellent piece of writing, Chris. So glad I stumbled upon your Substack.
Thank you!
So true! Much of what we need to heal and thrive hasn’t been taught modelled and shown to us. I’m so grateful for people like Chris who are showing and sharing with us how it’s done! So needed 💯
What you're saying here Christopher is very true. Most of the time, we find real help in complete strangers. When we seek help from people close to us like relatives, colleagues and friends, we show our vulnerability. There goes our facade of invincibility from poverty, poor health, danger and other things. Sometimes, people close to us, when they sense our despair, grow farther from us or show less concern. Christopher, if in case, people need homeopathic care in case pharma doesn't solve anything in their medical problems, inform me and I'll send you the details about that good doctor.
Your honesty about the pride, vulnerability, fear of getting hurt, and the perception of burdening others are all common and relatable hurdles that prevent us from seeking the support we often desperately need. It's great that you've provided practical strategies for moving past these barriers, as they can be paralysing for many of us who face adversity.
Thanks Winston!
Echoing what Maddie said below, I think this may be favorite stack of yours so far too (which is not an easy choice, let me tell you). It resonated so so strongly with me.
Our culture here is very much one of individualism and “pull yourself up by the bootstraps”. It doesn’t account for the fact that that’s not possible for everyone or like you said in the “Pride” section, that none of us get through life without some sort of help from someone else. We all need help at one point or another. It never makes someone "weak" to ask no matter how much that might be the message that gets conveyed.
My fear about asking for help has so many layers and I think you peeled them all back here. I'm stubborn and rather than admit I can't do something, I'll instead hurt myself trying to do it because admitting I can't do something feels like a failure or a loss of independence. I have worked up the courage to ask for help in the past too and have definitely had instances where I’ve been treated like a nuisance, had eyes rolled at me, or a myriad of other not positive reactions which put me back in my shell. I've literally been lying on the ground from falling too and people will just walk by and not come to my aid. But I’ve seen how much overall people open up to me way more when I’m vulnerable with them. And the people who haven’t been willing to help are the exception not the rule. So it really is worth it to break down those walls and ask. The people who are worth your time will always be willing to help and helping each other brings us all closer together :)
You make many excellent points. I realize that one of the barriers to help for me was not wanting to admit that my condition was getting worse. If I asked for help, I was admitting that I'd never be able to do that activity again on my own.
Way delayed response here, but that's such a great point. One of my biggest barriers in asking for help is similar to yours but slightly different. Asking for help means admitting I can't do something which means maybe I'll never be as independent as I wish I could be.
Chris, I really appreciated learning about what you are dealing with. I understand it’s very tough. But asking for help and being proactive are indeed vital. I have MS and adjustments and adaptive changes began in my college years but I didn’t yet know the cause of these challenges. I originally studied Physical Therapy until that program completion became unrealistic due to strange health issues. So a few years later I recovered enough to fly to China and teach at a medical college there. But I would learn later that I had relapsing remitting MS. Eventually every career path I pursued culminated in getting my masters in rehabilitation counseling and during that program I finally learned I had multiple sclerosis. That was in 1999. The reason I share this is to say I have some years of experience in the rehabilitation field and now at 58 I have secondary progressive MS. I’ve worked with lots of people with really challenging illnesses. Living with one challenges a person to the very core of who they are. Please know if I can ever listen or be of help in some way, I would be honored. I wrote a 100+ page workbook to help people adjust to the changes and losses associated with disability or health issues. It’s designed to help people work through the grief. If a copy would be helpful, I would send you a complementary copy. Praying for you now. I’m in Oregon.
Hi Susan,
Thank you for your kind note! I really appreciate it.
Re: the book, is the book available as an e-book? E-books are easier for me to read than physical ones. I appreciate the offer!
I don’t have an ebook yet but plan to format it for kindle next year and relaunch. However I would be glad to send you a pdf you could send to your ebook reader if you’d like. My husband could help me figure that out and I have done it before for those with visual impairment or other limitations that make thst preferable. Glad to connect here.
That would be fantastic Susan, thank you! I know how to add a PDF to my e-reader so I can handle that part. Thank you!
You're welcome, Chris. I also prefer ebooks...much easier to adjust the size, etc. Please message me with an email if you would, and I'll have my husband help me over the next week to try to get you a PDF version to you. (I have done it before but it's been a little while, and he's a tech guy so I am thankful for him.)
A huge fan of Stephen covey here 🙋🏼♀️
Such sound advice:
“Maybe you say that you’ve been going through a lot, and just need someone to check in on you every once in a while. This way, you can gauge whether the person you are talking to is receptive to helping you.”
I love how you’ve dissected this and covered it from all angles.
One other thing that we often don’t realise is that actually other people love to help! It was a big lesson my healing coach helped me to learn back in 2020 when my friend had offered to help me pack and I declined her offer. Unbeknown to me i was experiencing a massive relapse at the time. Didn’t know this was what was happening, wasn’t able to communicate to this anyone.
When I went back to her to say I’d like to retract my decline and accept instead, she was delighted ! Not only that, she brought along a friend i’d only met once or twice! I still hadn’t finished packing by the time the removal men turned up, I’d been puking all night, severely ill for 4 solid weeks. Still no idea what was going on 2+ months into the relapse. Some seriously tough times. Imagine how far behind I’d’ve been if I hadn’t had that help?
I absolutely have had the hard nos too but these simply were a redirection of my limited energy and resource to channel into new areas.
That was one of the major learnings for me. People wanted to help, but they didn't know how to ask/want to intrude. Once that connection is made, it makes all the difference.
I really love this post - it just breaks down something we all (or at least I) do so frequently into really consumable, less intimidating chunks.
Thanks Noha! :)
Vulnerability is a superpower. It really is. Beautiful piece, Chris. xo
Yes it is!
very interesting and a good one )))