Transcript: Ask Me Anything About Adversity
Transcript: Ask Me Anything About Adversity
There is still time to get in your questions!
Hi everyone,
I had a family situation come up last week and haven’t been in much of a writing mood. I tried to start the post I had scheduled for this week but didn’t get very far.
What I thought I’d do today instead is transcribe last week’s AMAAA (Ask Me Anything About Adversity) thread. There were a lot of great questions!
In the future, if you ever have a question you want me to answer, feel free to leave a comment in the thread above. I’ll pin it to the homepage going forward.
The transcript is lightly edited for readability and coherence. I also added to a couple of my answers.
Anna: I am curious if you have any thoughts on external validation (as in not having confidence in ourselves until someone tells us we are doing well) and how to manage that in a healthier way.
I really struggle with feeling like I'm not doing "well enough" — especially during hard or transitional times in my life — unless I hear it from someone else.
I understand where you are coming from. I have three thoughts that come to mind.
First, when it comes to boosting intrinsic confidence, one of the epiphanies that helped me the most is realizing that everyone struggles with confidence, especially during difficult times. This, in its own strange way, is a confidence boost! No one makes it through life without experiencing self-doubt, even those who appear wildly successful and happy on the outside. (Especially on social media.)
Second, our confidence level is often affected by how much we compare ourselves to others. When we encounter a personal setback or are struggling in some way, we can’t help but feel like everyone else is doing better than us. This happened to me when I was unemployed a few years back. At the time, it seemed like everyone in my network was getting promoted, and I wondered if I had failed in some way, overlooking the reason why I was unemployed: I had burned out.
And yet, when I talked to some of these people a few months later (many of them were my friends), they either hated their jobs, felt stuck in their careers, or admitted that the promotion came at the expense of a healthy work/life balance. I started to realize that when I compared myself to other people, I wasn't seeing the full picture. Everyone always broadcasts their successes, but we don't see the internal doubt, failures, and confidence issues. I've kept this in mind ever since, which has helped me feel more secure as I navigate my nontraditional path.
I'm not sure of your situation so I can't offer specific advice, but I would just say that what you struggle with is universal to the human condition. Have confidence that you are just like everyone else. If you are on a path of self-discovery, but it doesn’t conform to what you think society expects of you, it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything "wrong". Anyone offering external validation (or rejection) only sees you in the present moment. They don’t see the full arc of your life’s journey.
This brings me to my third point: these hard and transitional times are often the catalyst for something better. It may not become clear overnight, but years from now, you can look back and say that you are a better person for having gone through these trials. This is how intrinsic confidence is built, little by little.
John G: The biggest struggle that I have is making time for myself and my family, not to mention social connections. I have a high-pressure and demanding job, but a boss who encourages a balance.
I struggle with letting go of my professional life to give attention to others. As you can imagine, these other areas have suffered. What mindset is a better approach to this constant pull of guilt if I am not working?
I definitely can relate. Even now, finding a proper work/life balance is something I struggle with. I don't have a great off switch.
What’s helped me the most (and I have to learn this repeatedly) is understanding the power of rest. We think that the longer we work, the more we get done, when in reality taking time to rest and recharge can make us more productive over the long run. Therefore, spending time with family and friends serves the dual benefit of enriching your life and making you a better employee.
In addition to productivity, it is also worth remembering our different roles in life. We often tie our identity to our profession, when in reality we are so much more. In addition to our job, we are a family member, a friend, a citizen, etc. All these different roles are complementary. So taking time for yourself and your family isn’t anything to feel guilty about — it is simply living life the way it’s meant to be lived. Jobs come and go, but relationships are everything.
I am reading a book called Master of Change by Brad Stulberg. In the book, Stulberg shares an example that does a good job of illustrating what we’re talking about. Stulberg tells the story of Olympic speed skater Nils van der Poel, who won two gold medals at the 2022 Beijing Winter Olympics. van der Poel credits his success with his decision to rest on the weekends, so he could spend more time with friends and achieve a better work/life balance.
van der Poel ultimately gained more from living a well-rounded life than he would have from extra training on the weekends.
Balance is everything!
Maddie: I'd be curious to hear the most surprising, counterintuitive thing you've learned about adversity and resilience—even better if it comes with a story.
Two ideas come to mind.
The first is how rest improves productivity and creativity. (A topic you wrote about recently!) It seems counterintuitive, but resting up is so much better than working ourselves into the ground. Burnout is a common form of adversity and is (almost) entirely self-inflicted.
The second counterintuitive idea is how negative visualization can boost our sense of gratitude. No one wants to think about worst-case scenarios; they are scary and painful. And yet, by evoking these unsettling thoughts, we can more clearly appreciate all that we still have.
Polina: What has been the hardest but most rewarding part of starting your newsletter? And would you do it again if you knew then what you know now?
There are two things that have been hardest about starting a newsletter:
I am not great at promoting myself (and by extension my newsletter), even though it is essential to raising awareness and connecting with new people. It is something I am slowly getting better at, but admittedly need to do a better job of.
This will sound silly, but the night before I publish my post, even after I have it scheduled and ready to go, I can’t let it go. No lie — I'll schedule the post then an hour later reread it and make more tweaks up until bedtime. Even though I know that the post is fine and that the links aren't broken, the perfectionist in me drives me crazy.
Would I do this all again? Absolutely! It's one of the best decisions I ever made and is starting to open doors for me, from speaking engagements to collaboration opportunities. More importantly, it's allowed me to meet many wonderful people — yourself included. These relationships alone make it worth it, not to mention it's also allowed me to write consistently, find my writing voice, and figure out what I want to do next in my career.
Zan: What's been your favourite book about dealing with adversity? My favourites are: The Obstacle is the Way, Antifragile, and Grit.
The Obstacle is the Way is excellent. I'd say my favorite is Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. The takeaways from the book have been essential in helping me accept my disease. I came to realize that I have ultimate control over my thoughts and attitudes, no matter what happens to me.
John D: I wonder how you keep a positive disposition with all of the challenges you face? (I know you have your moments/days...but in general).
Purpose is essential to a positive disposition. The 3 F's are what help keep me positive: faith, family, and friends. (I consider my readers to be friends too!) All of these factor into my purpose. It took a reallllllly long time to arrive at this point though, and there are still days when it feels like everything is about to fall apart. But on tough days, I always return to the 3 F’s.
It also helps to have something to look forward to — a stretch goal of sorts. I enjoy writing this newsletter and I'm also working on a book. I want to help others going through adversity, which motivates me every day.
Katie: I'd love to hear what podcasts you recommend, especially any that wind up sparking newsletter ideas for you. I'm always looking for new podcasts to listen to!
I must be honest — I am a terrible podcast listener. I struggle to pay attention and I'm always stopping to rewind because I zoned out briefly. I envy anyone who can listen to podcasts or audiobooks regularly. That said, I do listen to them from time to time.
No specific episodes jump out at me, but I do like the following podcasts, which help me in different ways:
The Daily Stoic podcast - A lot of what I write about is influenced by the Stoics in some way, especially when it comes to dealing with change, managing emotions, facing fears, etc.
How I Write - I just started getting into this podcast. David Perell interviews different writers about their writing process. This is one where I am constantly stopping to jot down notes.
A Slight Change of Plans - I have only listened to a couple episodes (I have a bunch of them saved in my queue) but I enjoy the subject matter and hearing how others have dealt with big changes in their lives.
How I Built This with Guy Raz - Another podcast I don't listen to as often as I'd like, but I love hearing how entrepreneurs have built their businesses. This has given me several great ideas over the years.
The Profile podcast - I really enjoy listening to Polina’s interviews. I’m always learning something new!
The Tim Ferriss Show - Ferriss’s interviews are always insightful, but they run a bit long and I usually only listen to parts of episodes. His podcast was how I learned about Derek Sivers, who wrote a book, Anything You Want, which was one of my favorite business books I read last year.
The Knowledge Project - This is a bit on the nerdy side and requires a little extra attention to get through. But I learn a lot from these episodes. This podcast was how I originally learned about Ryan Holiday, whose books have been life-changing for me.
That's what I like the most about podcasts - they open doors to ideas, people, and stories I otherwise wouldn't have come across. I love going down rabbit holes!
Jackie: Do you have a favorite song/songs that you listen to when you need a good pick-me-up?
Chris: Umm I don't know if I have a favorite song per se — it really depends on what I'm doing. When I write articles — which can get stressful — I like country music and classic rock. If I am generally feeling down or having a bad day, I tend to like either movie soundtracks or religious music. If I need to really motivate myself, 90s/early 2000s hip hop is my go-to.
Which I realize is an incredibly strange mix but it works 😀.
Shannon: I'd like to know your thoughts about time. Since I turned 40, I can't stop thinking about how much "time is left," and I wondered what advice you might have for people who keep looking at the clock.
I think what I would say is that age is just a number. It sounds like a cliché, I know, but the older I get, the more I see that it's true.
In other words, there are so many examples nowadays of people doing things at different ages, that it’s clear that we need to update our idea of what’s truly possible. For example, every year we hear about 13-year-olds graduating college and 95-year-olds getting their high school diploma. I think the trap we fall into sometimes is expecting certain milestones to happen by a certain age. If we deviate from the “traditional” path, we think that we've failed in some way, when that isn't the case.
I am a late bloomer myself - my zest for learning is greater now than when I was a student. I also am more social now than I was several years ago (or, I've gotten better at masking being an introvert). The more we age, the more we acquire knowledge, wisdom, and experience, which is nothing to fear. As long as you keep yourself healthy (to the best of your abilities), that's all you can ask for.
They say 40 is the new 30. Which is good because I am much closer to 40 than 30!
This is a really great round-up - and really brings out the wealth of knowledge and advice you have! Much better than having to dig through the less-than-ideal set up of comments on substack. Great idea
Really love that last question from Shannon and your answer. I'll be turning the big 4-0 this year and I think I will need to refer back to this post a lot because I am more scared than excited for that particular milestone.