The Resilience Response #2 - September 2, 2023
The Resilience Response #2 - September 2, 2023
Why doing less can make us happier, preparing to get what we want, Textapalooza, John Travolta, and more
Happy Saturday!
Welcome to The Resilience Response, a newsletter that provides the tools and resources you need to face adversity with confidence. If you missed last week’s launch post, you can find it here.
Here’s what’s on deck this week:
🔧 For the Toolkit: Why doing less can make us happier
🎙️ In the First Person: Sandra Ann Miller writes about how we should prepare to get what we want (and why now might not be the best time to get it)
📚 What’s Helped Me: How “Textapalooza” keeps me connected with important people in my life
✍️ Weekly Intention: Are you pushing yourself too hard?
🎁 Outtakes and Extras: Mental slip-ups, tongue twisters, and the saying I get wrong, without fail, 99% of the time
🔧 For the Toolkit: Why doing less can make us happier
In this video, cognitive scientist and Yale professor Laurie Santos discusses how perfectionism and the never-ending quest to accomplish more is a recipe for unhappiness.
At some point in our lives, we were told that the best way to achieve happiness is to work harder and harder. It became ingrained in our minds that the more we work, the more we will “win” at the game of life and achieve our potential. Yet, the more we accomplish, the emptier we feel.
This incessant striving for more even shows up in areas of life that have nothing to do with competition. For example, when faced with an intractable problem or challenge, we spend every last waking hour (and most of our sleeping hours) mulling over a solution. If we leave a single stone unturned, we think we haven’t done enough.
What does this incessant striving get us? Burnout, which ironically causes us to achieve less in the long run.
According to Santos, we are setting ourselves up for misery: “Endlessly trying to achieve perfection — which is impossible — is not going to make us feel as good as the advertisements really suggest. It’s going to wind up being a hindrance to our well-being much more than we expect.”
The road to happiness starts by doing less. Santos explores several ways we can fight back against pushing ourselves too hard, from exhibiting self-compassion to spending time with others.
When we unburden ourselves from unrealistic expectations, it doesn’t mean we have to lose our ambition; it just means we should strike a healthier balance between achievement and enjoyment.
🎙️ In the First Person: Sandra Ann Miller on preparing to get what we want
When we desire something — whether it’s a goal, a possession, or a relationship — we think it will make us happy. But we rarely think about timing. Is right now the ideal time to get what we want? Are we truly prepared? Our hearts might say “yes”, but if we’re being honest with ourselves, the answer is often “no”.
My friend Sandra Ann Miller of
explores this topic in her latest post. When thinking about what we want, self-reflection is key:“One step we might miss is to first look inward. No, not to blame ourselves for what we haven’t received, but to prepare. We have to examine our willingness to have what we want, and to be honest about it.”
Sandra Ann provides several questions to help guide us in our self-examination. It is not a process we should skip, even if it reveals some unpleasant truths. If it turns out we aren’t ready to achieve a goal or have a relationship, that’s okay. Sometimes, getting what we want before we’re prepared is worse than never getting it in the first place.
📚 What’s Helped Me: Textapalooza
Every year around the holidays, I make it a point to text all my close friends. It takes about an hour, but it is well worth the effort.
I began this “Textapalooza” practice (yes, I am terrible at naming things) a few years ago during COVID. I was reflecting back on my life and the friends I’ve made along the way. My friends have been there for me during some pretty dark times and I wouldn’t be where I am today without them.
Unfortunately, I have fallen out of touch with many of them because life has gotten crazy. Many of my friends have relocated around the country and their lives now revolve around their kids. (As it should be.)
But these are not relationships I want to lose. This is why every year I try to reach out to as many of my friends as I can. Sometimes I do this on New Year’s Eve; other times over several weeks.
Some friends take a while to respond; others answer immediately. Some conversations only go as far as “Happy New Year!” and others turn into text chains and phone calls. But every time I do this, it is a morale boost for both parties. It makes me feel less isolated and it also, in many instances, uplifts the friend I’m texting. Many of my friends are struggling these days, weighed down by the loss of a loved one or the burdens of life.
I’m not saying you need to text everyone you have ever been close to, but if there are people you wish you kept in touch with, don’t be afraid to reach out. Don’t worry about how long it’s been. It won’t be awkward as long as you are coming from a good place. You just might be the person they need to talk to today.
✍️ Weekly Intention: Are you pushing yourself too hard?
Laurie Santos says that striving for more can make us miserable when taken to the extreme.
Are there any areas of your life where you feel like you are pushing a little too hard? If so, how does this striving affect your well-being? What might be motivating this behavior?
In the week ahead, strive to do just a little bit less. Try to incorporate one of the techniques Santos talked about in the video, whether it’s exhibiting self-compassion, connecting with others, or showing gratitude for all that you have.
If you are willing to share an example in the comments, I’ll do the same!
🎁 Outtakes and Extras
Outtake #1: My (repeated) mental slip-up
I was texting with a friend the other day about how his son is starting to become just like him. After sharing a few laughs, I remarked:
“The apple doesn’t far fall from the tree.”
My friend was confused. “The apple doesn’t what?”
I looked at my phone. It took me about ten seconds to realize my error, at which point I replied: “The apple doesn’t far fall* from the tree.” (Double fail.)
Aghast, I tried a third time.
“FAR FALL.”
(Sigh.)
My friend, supportive as always: “That’s ok, maybe you’ll get it on the 50th try.”
🤦♂️
This exchange still makes me laugh. I have no idea why I can’t say this properly. Even now, I had to Google it to make sure I had it right.
Fall far. Fall far. Fall far.
No matter how hard we try, life often conspires against us. We all experience mental slip-ups and tongue twisters from time to time. Sometimes on national TV.
We will never be perfect. And that’s okay.
Outtake #2: Man’s (new) best friend
Yeah, I’ve got nothing here.
There are many examples in my life of times I've pushed too hard. But the one that stands out is the period after my diagnosis in 2009. I tried to learn as much as I could about my disease and the different treatment options. This is a good thing to do, but it became an issue when I kept pushing and pushing, even though there were no stones left unturned. I exhausted myself trying to figure out how to find a cure, and burned myself out. It took several months to accept the situation and find more productive ways to make a difference.
Even today, I still have a tendency to do too much and review things over and over and over even though I already know the answer. When this happens, it makes it hard to sleep and concentrate. I think I am motivated by perfectionism, which as we've learned is good, up to a point.
I personally think you should get "Textapalooza" trademarked :) It's catchy and to the point (and a great idea in general)