Re-post: Keep Going

A pep talk for weary souls

Photo by Frantisek Duris on Unsplash

Hi everyone,

I’m sorry I’ve been a bit MIA recently. A few weeks ago, I was working so hard to get the latest draft of my book done that I burned out. Then, right as I was staring to feel rejuvented, a family situation arose that has consumed my attention these last two weeks. I’ve been in no shape to write, I apologize.

I reread this post today, and it was just the pep talk I needed. Maybe it can be helpful for you too.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to write a new post for next week, but I’ll try. In the meantime, I hope you’re having a great week. I miss all of you!

Chris

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I’m back.

As many of you know, I’ve been on a writing break for the last three weeks. (Hopefully, you noticed. If you didn’t…that’s a problem.) The time off allowed me to unplug my mind and rest my aching wrists, which I desperately needed.

My sister and her kids came up to visit from North Carolina in late June. I hadn’t seen my sister since last Christmas and my niece and nephews since 2021. It was so nice to spend time with them!

The kids are old enough now that I could have full conversations with them about sports and video games and their favorite school subjects. It was also nice to catch up with my sister — who is four years older than me — and talk about everything happening in our respective worlds.

They aren’t able to visit every year, so it was nice of them to come up for a few days. I miss them terribly.

After they left to go back to North Carolina, with the house devoid of running children, laughter, and toy trucks careening across the floor, I shifted to the next stage of my break.

I had plans — books to read, naps to take, that sort of thing. Unfortunately, I did more ruminating than relaxing.

Sometimes, when I want to unplug my mind, I self-sabotage and do the opposite. It’s not a trait I’m particularly thrilled about.

The truth is, I’m not good at “vacationing”. When I have a lot of free time on my hands, my mind drifts to my anxieties — what I’ve lost, what I’ll never have, what I still want. I obsess over hopes and dreams and existential fears.

I have so much to be grateful for, but my future still unsettles me in many ways. I try to be an optimist, but I’m not great at it. I’m getting weaker. My parents are aging. I’ve been out of my job for a year, and although it’s liberating to be on my own, it’s also incredibly stressful. If I had to make the stay/leave decision over again, I’d still choose to leave, but I also haven’t achieved many of the goals I set for myself when I started this journey.

The cumulative weight of unfulfilled potential crushes me a little more each day.

Then of course there’s the state of the world, which…yeah. I don’t have to tell you how things are going.

This is a long way of saying that I did manage to unplug, but not as much as I’d hoped. It seems the only constant in this world is change, and with my disease, these feelings are enhanced. It’s not great for my anxiety.

If my life is a jigsaw puzzle — a beautiful portrait of the Italian Riviera, perhaps — it seems like every time I complete a section, a gremlin sneaks in to toss the pieces across the room, and I have to start all over again.

When I have anxious days, my remedy is to go outside. Before Connecticut went from “kinda hot” to “surface of the sun”, I spent most of my break lounging on the deck or strolling up and down the street in my wheelchair to clear my head.

In moments of tranquility, when I’m finally able to relax, I can hear a voice whispering in my subconscious:

Keep going.

Whenever I hear these words, I find the strength to carry on.

That’s what we’re going to discuss today.

Constant turbulence

We seem to have very little in common with each other these days, but I’m pretty sure we can agree on one thing: we’re tired. Tired of the drama. Tired of the uncertainty. Tired of the emotional swings. Tired of the fear.

It’s like we’re stuck on a plane flying through a never-ending thunderstorm. The turbulence has left us weary, exhausted, bruised, drenched in sweat, and coveting the unused barf bag in the seat next to us with lustful eyes.

All we want is some tranquility — is that too much to ask? But instead of finding peace and calm, life only seems to get bumpier.

Eventually, we reach our breaking point, just in time for another storm.

Keep going — what it is, and what it isn’t

Keep going. It seems simple — almost too simple.

How can we keep going when we’re dealing with so much? When the world is coming apart at the seams? Isn’t it easier to put our heads in the sand, or rage at the world, or distract ourselves with short-term pleasures? After all, to keep going means confronting our challenges and difficult emotions head-on. That’s much less fun.

I understand. I understand all of it. Several times per day I want to run away from my problems or throw my hands in the air and say, “I quit.” But what I’ve come to learn is, no matter how much we want our problems to disappear, we can’t wish them away. The only way out is through.

To keep going is to be clear-eyed about our challenges, but resolving to continue on. Because if we can hold on and find a way to endure — it’s our best chance of making it through to the other side.

But how do we do that?

Sometimes, when we need to define a concept, it’s easier to define what it isn’t.

For example, when I say “keep going”, I don’t mean to be resilient beyond what’s reasonable. (Just like with positivity, you don’t want to go overboard.)

And it also means none of these things:

• working 24 hours a day

• neglecting sleep

• consuming everything caffeinated in a five-mile radius

• suppressing your feelings

• keeping a stiff upper lip at all times

• fetishizing grit and perseverance

• exuding unhealthy levels of positivity

It’s okay to crumble. It’s okay to have bad days. It’s perfectly fine to get frustrated, angry, and burst into tears from time to time.

To keep going is to accept that there will be rough patches on occasion. It’s a long-term decision to persevere, more than a minute-by-minute commitment to fighting through the pain no matter what. (Which never works.)

To keep going is to show self-love when we’re struggling. It’s working smarter, not harder. It’s giving ourselves grace, taking things slowly, and relying on others for support.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Finding purpose

One of the best ways to keep going is to clarify your purpose.

It took a while to discover my purpose, even if I knew it intuitively. For me, it’s the 3 F’s: faith, family and friends. Faith that there’s a reason for all of my suffering. Family and friends, because I love them and appreciate the help and support they’ve provided me over the years.

And of course, writing and helping others also gives me a great deal of purpose too.

Your purpose might be different from mine, and that’s okay. We all have different backgrounds and life experiences. But no matter how you define your purpose, it’s important to know your “why”.

On dark days, your purpose is what you’ll rely on to get you through the turbulence. If your purpose isn’t front and center in your mind, it becomes infinitely more difficult to persevere.

Two positive outcomes

But if you’re able to keep going, one of two positive outcomes can happen:

Outcome 1: We experience a life breakthrough

A life breakthrough is an event that changes our lives for the better.

It can result from a conscious decision we make, such as going back to school or switching jobs. It can be serendipitous, such as meeting your soul mate in a chance encounter at a coffee shop. Or, it can be the reward of years of hard work, such as publishing a book, getting a “yes” after dozens of “nos”, or finding a job after a period of unemployment.

In other words, by persevering and enduring our challenges day after day, we “stay in the game” long enough for life to conspire in our favor.

I’ve experienced several life breakthroughs. For example, by persevering through the difficult early years of my disease (with a lot of help), I felt confident enough to leave my job to attend business school, which introduced me to a whole new support system and opened several new doors in my career.

The longer we stay in the game, the greater the chances that a breakthrough occurs. It won’t necessarily make life easier, but it provides a welcome jolt of optimism and hope.

And when we let serendipity and compounding work in our favor, one life breakthrough often leads to another.

Outcome 2: The experience changes us

The other positive outcome, admittedly, isn’t as fun as a life breakthrough, but it’s no less significant.

Sometimes, due to the gravity of our situation, we aren’t able to make life-changing decisions or enjoy the powers of serendipity.

In these circumstances, how we respond to our challenges becomes its own reward. Again, this doesn’t mean we need to show unhealthy levels of grit, just that we should be open to how our character can evolve in response to adversity.

I recently watched a video by Duke women’s basketball coach Kara Lawson, who said this to her team:

We wait for stuff to get easier. It will never get easier. What happens is you handle hard better.

People who wait around for easy? You probably see them at the bus stop. They’re waiting for the easy bus to come around. Easy bus never comes around.

This is great advice in general, but especially when we can’t change our circumstances. Again — because this needs constant reinforcement — this doesn’t mean that if you struggle to handle your challenges well, you’ve failed in some way. It doesn’t mean mercilessly berating yourself for your shortcomings.

This is merely an awareness that a) life will always be hard and b) we have the capacity to grow in response to life’s difficulties.

If we learn to keep going — to handle hard better — there are many benefits:

• We clarify our values and understand what truly matters, orienting ourselves to our new priorities. (Family, faith, friends, following our dreams, etc.)

• We no longer care about the unimportant — the trivialties, the gossip, what so-and-so said on social media, etc.

• We use our experience to help others, which imbues us with a newfound purpose.

That last bullet point is what motivated me to start Hello, Adversity. I realized one day that I had all this experience and knowledge that I wanted to share with others. It was a way to use my suffering for good.

To endure our struggles is never fun, but it can enrich our lives in many ways. Call it acceptance. Call it equilibrium. Call it hope. Whatever you call it, no matter how long this process takes — a week, a month, a year, a decade — it’s ultimately worth it.

Facing tomorrow

My hope with Hello, Adversity is to help you achieve one of these two positive outcomes. All of the content on this site is with this purpose in mind.

Of course, these positive outcomes aren’t preordained. Maybe we persevere but never experience a life breakthrough, or we never quite learn how to handle hard better. Or worse, maybe we reach a point of despair and spiral out of control.

Although I hope the last outcome never happens, when it comes to how we handle adversity, any response is understandable. I’ve certainly felt my share of despair over the years.

There are no guarantees in life. You can do everything right and still feel hopeless, and you can give up only to have a life breakthrough land on your doorstep five minutes later. We never know how life will turn out.

It’s a rough world out there. If you’re struggling, know that you’re not alone. I’m right there with you.

But if you can, keep going.

8 ways to keep going

This is not an exhaustive list, but here are a few of my favorite tips:

1. Clarify your purpose. We discussed this earlier.

2. Set goals. Focus on what you want to achieve in life, and make a plan to achieve it.

3. Talk to someone. Who do you feel comfortable texting or calling when you’re going through a tough time? Reach out to them.

4. Ask for help. Don’t be afraid to let others know what’s going on so they can help you carry your burdens.

5. Have fun. On occasion, it’s good to step away and do something that gives you joy, whether it’s reading a good book, going to a sporting event, or enjoying a night out with friends.

6. Release the pressure valve. Sometimes we need a good scream or to take our frustrations out on a punching bag.

7. Find role models. Find others who have persevered through a similar challenge. Many people have been in your shoes. Emulate them.

8. Use your pain for good. Share your story and use it to inspire others. Or, volunteer your time and expertise. Others are struggling with what you’re going through and need your help.

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