Advice for the Tough Times

The commencement speech I wish I heard at my graduation

Photo by Charles DeLoye on Unsplash

Author’s Note: May is college commencement season here in the United States. As I mentioned in my weekly roundup last Saturday, I often think back to my 21-year-old self, in full cap and gown, walking up the aisle to receive my diploma. I had no idea of all the obstacles that I would soon encounter.

I often wonder if there was any advice I could have received on that day that would have helped me navigate the rough waters to come. This is my attempt to write the commencement speech I wish I had heard at my college graduation. 

My hope is that what I have learned over the last fifteen years can be of use to recent graduates or anyone else in need of a good pep talk. 

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Graduates of the class of 2023,

It is my great honor to speak to you today. 

Based on the puzzled looks I am receiving right now, I know what you’re thinking: Who is this guy? What happened to our regularly-scheduled commencement speaker? Fair enough. To answer your question, the speaker who was supposed to be up here right now is currently bedridden. Something to do with bad clams. I was brought here on short notice.

But what I lack in name recognition, I intend to make up for in practical advice. I have sat through many commencement speeches in my day, none of which were memorable. All I retained was what not to say. So rest assured, I won’t share with you the details of my job. I won’t spout cliches. I won’t tell you what to think. Rather, my goal is to share with you what I have learned on my unique life journey. You can take it or leave it, although I do hope you take some of it.

I want to be respectful of your time, so I will make this brief.

*Mocking laughter from the audience*

Okay, okay. I know. Brevity is not my strength. My reputation precedes me.

For those who don’t know me, my name is Chris Anselmo. I am a 36-year-old living in Connecticut who works in marketing at a national nonprofit. Fifteen years ago, I was sitting in the audience just like you, wondering when my commencement speaker would stop talking so I could receive my diploma and officially enter the real world.

Fifteen years feels like yesterday; it also feels like a lifetime. A lot has happened in fifteen years. As you can tell now, I can no longer walk across a stage. I can no longer walk, period. It is this experience that is relevant to why I am here today. 

So what happened? I have a muscle disease called limb-girdle muscular dystrophy type 2B. The name of the disease and the underlying biology are not important. But what is worth mentioning is that it is an adult-onset disease, one that started only a few weeks after my graduation. 

In May 2008 I received my diploma; by June I was experiencing burning in my legs while going for a run after work. Doctors would soon diagnose me with a muscle disease. I was told that not only was there no treatment, but that I should expect to be in a wheelchair within a decade. 

The prognosis was accurate. In the last fifteen years, I have gone from having full ability to needing around-the-clock care. I went from playing basketball and going for long walks to no longer being able to sit up on my own in bed. In the last fifteen years, I have encountered the lowest of lows.

But I have also found my purpose. I have been the recipient of unconditional love. My disease has strengthened my friendships, brought new people into my life, and taught me that, despite my physical weakness, I am stronger than I ever knew. 

This has been a humbling experience. It has not been easy. But, please, this is not a pity party. I don’t want your sympathy. I was not trotted out today to be your inspiration. Instead, my goal is to share with you what I have learned about life since I graduated fifteen years ago. This experience—this maddening, frustrating, beautiful experience—has taught me so many lessons. Lessons I plan to share today. Lessons I wish I had heard at my own graduation.

I am not going to sugarcoat anything or speak in platitudes. Some of what I am going to say will be new; some of it you may already know. If it’s the latter, let it serve as a gentle reminder.

Life is hard

Probably the most difficult—but also the most obvious—point I will make today is that life is hard. I wish I could say that life was going to get easier from here on out, but it won’t. 

The real world can be a cold, unforgiving place. You already know that. You attended college during a pandemic. Your generation has encountered social upheaval, environmental disaster, hatred, and division. All at once. Not to mention all the other crises that seemingly pop up on a daily basis.

In the words of the great philosopher (and boxer) Rocky Balboa:

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.”

Even though life is hard, do not despair. I don’t say this to scare you. Rather, I just want you to be clear-eyed about the challenges and obstacles to come.

Anyone telling you that life is, or should be, a piece of cake is lying. On the other hand, anyone telling you to become a nihilist and that nothing matters and that humanity is hopeless is also distorting the truth.

Life is hard, but it is not irredeemable. Life is infuriating sometimes. That is true. But there is hope. There is always hope.

I marvel at your generation. Despite all you’ve been through, despite all the hardship and adversity you have faced, you are a resilient group. You are committed to making the world a better place, fighting for the dignity of all, and advocating for positive change. I applaud you.

Which is why, when you encounter the inherent messiness of life—the frustrations, the fear, the sadness, the pain—you must persevere, no matter how difficult it may be.

And before you say I can’t let me stop you. You can. If I can do it, you can too. Trust me.

No piece of advice I am about to give is a cure-all for the world’s problems or for your own. The easy life does not exist. Easy left a long time ago. But there are ways to handle these problems, perhaps even minimize them, that have worked for so many over the years. It is these strategies I have learned, through trial and error, in my own life. This is what I hope to share with you today.

Photo by Emmanuel Offei on Unsplash

Find your purpose

Many commencement speakers say to follow your passion. Do what you love. This is great advice, but incomplete. Passion is important; purpose even more so.

When life gets unbearably difficult, your passions—whether it’s TikTok or football or knitting or CrossFit or something else—will help to blunt the pain short-term, but they won’t speak to life’s deeper questions. The why questions. As in, Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to endure yet another setback? Why can’t I catch a break? 

These are the questions that make you wonder if life is worth it. Everyone faces this inner interrogation at some point. It is purpose that will carry you through.

For some, your purpose may be obvious. Perhaps it’s a religious belief, or a commitment to serving others or to make the world a better place. But whatever your purpose is, you need to have one.

If you don’t know your purpose, you will drift through life aimlessly. You will inherit someone else’s opinions. You will end up off course, far away from home. Far from where you should be.

Having a purpose is that compass, that North Star that tells you no matter what you face, you are grounded in something meaningful. Something greater than yourself. Something that makes all of this hardship worth it.

When I dealt with my disease, especially early on, I struggled to find purpose in my suffering. It was not until I grew in my faith—after many years of being angry with God—that I was able to accept the hand I was dealt, and ultimately, to see why this was happening to me. My purpose carried me through the darkness until I could finally, after many years, see the light.

I realize this is my purpose; it may not be your own. If you don’t yet know your purpose, it is not too late. If you are not religious, think about what you value most. Brainstorm what has gotten you through dark times in the past. Is it a person? Is it a belief? Is it love? Take some time to wrestle with your purpose. It is the bedrock, the foundation of everything that happens in your life. Taking a few hours to think about it now will pay dividends for many years to come.

Control what you can control

Next up is control. Or rather, learning the difference between what is in your control and what isn’t. Some parts of life will always lie beyond your grasp.

In this chaotic world, it is easy to become frightened and overwhelmed by all the crises you read about on the news or hear about on social media or experience firsthand. You want to wave a magic wand and change it all, but you can’t. 

It could be the opinions of others. It could be external events. World events. Domestic unrest. Injustice. Hatred. Ignorance and intolerance. These challenges have always existed and always will. To think that many unpleasant events are beyond your control is a helpless feeling.

But that doesn’t mean that everything is beyond your control. That doesn’t mean you have to be a passive observer. (I really should say we because I struggle with this too.)

Paradoxically, letting go of what you can’t control frees you to focus on what you can control. And you can control a lot. The more you work on your capacity to affect what is in your power, the more empowered you become. You might not be able to change the world but you can change your neighborhood. You can change a life. You can change your own lives. Then, as others see you focusing on what you can control, they will be inspired to do the same. And that is how the world changes. One action at a time. 

You control your attitude

Sometimes that action can be changing your attitude.

Viktor Frankl, the acclaimed Austrian psychiatrist imprisoned by the Nazis during the Holocaust, discovered this insight—this dichotomy between what humans can and cannot control—during the darkest time in his life. During this time, his family was murdered. He was subjected to repeated indignities. He was tortured. Yet during one of these dark moments, Frankl realized that despite all that had been taken from him, his captors could never touch the thoughts in his mind. He could always choose how to react. In moments of pain and horror, he would compose lectures to his students, think of his family, and project himself elsewhere. He resided in a world all his own, beyond the physical instruments of pain. 

Said Frankl:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”¹

No one can tell you what to think without your permission. No one can tell you how to react to a given situation without your assent. You control that domain. This is important because life is going to be more than you can bear sometimes. You will be tempted to give in or give up. You will be tempted to conform, even when you know it’s wrong.

But the choice is yours. You get to decide how to react. This might be the most difficult piece of advice, in terms of the effort required to act upon it. It is easy to despair and become passive. But just having that awareness that it’s possible—that you can control how you respond to circumstances—is incredibly powerful. This is also why it’s so imperative to know your purpose.

Failure 

One of those circumstances you will have to respond to is failure. Of all the hardships, failure is one you will definitely encounter at some point.

Failure is miserable. Failure is hard. Yet failure can be the key to success if you know how to use it.

In my life, I have encountered crushing failures. I didn’t get into my dream school for undergrad. I have applied to hundreds of jobs without receiving so much as a polite rejection. One of the jobs I did get was so overwhelming that I burned out after three months and had to quit. And when it comes to love…well…you get the point. 

No one likes to be rejected. No one wants to fail. Yet, you can’t run from failure. You must face it head-on.

If you look out into the world, you will see that so many decisions are made–or worse, not made–because people are afraid to fail. No one wants to suffer the consequences of rejection or social isolation. It is not fun to be told you aren’t good enough or that your ideas stink or that you don’t belong.

But if there’s any comfort, it’s that failure is a fundamental aspect of the human condition. No one, not even the most successful person in the world, has experienced only success.

Failure is a part of life, so normalize it. Share your failures. Share your setbacks. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We all fail, even that person who seems to live a perfect life on Instagram.

If you are humble enough to learn from your failures, they can turn into your greatest triumphs. Within each failure is a piece of information that will show you what you need to do differently next time.

There’s a famous quote from boxing legend Muhammad Ali:

“Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.”

Impossible is nothing if you are willing to take risks and learn from failure. No matter the situation, failure provides feedback on where you need to improve or where you need to ask for help.

And always ask for help. Success doesn’t happen on your own. But in order to tap into this external help, you need to accept that the failure you experienced is perfectly normal, whether it’s losing a basketball game, not getting into law school, or experiencing a business failure.

Failure is painful. Failure is humiliating. Failure is also inevitable.

And when you do fail, congratulations. You are just like everyone else.

Photo by Good Free Photos on Unsplash

Intermission

To the guy in the front row drinking from the flask under his gown, you look like you could use a break. Why don’t we all take five to stretch. Grab a drink of water. Use the restroom. Check your phone.

Narrator: That includes you the reader.

*5 minutes pass*

Alright, we are back.

Find your bliss

So we know that life is tough. We will encounter a lot of failure in this world and terrifying events that are out of our control.

This is why it’s so important to make room for fun.

Find your passion? Yes. But find your bliss too. Have fun without having to explain to someone why it’s fun. We are so conditioned nowadays to hate what used to make us feel joy because we are told to feel guilty about it. Someone, somewhere, might frown upon it, so we shouldn’t do it at all. That’s not to say that all activities are consequence-free, it just means that we don’t need to frown upon everything. If you have an escape, it doesn’t mean you are indifferent to all that is going on in the world.

Lose yourself. Watch a funny show about something absurd and trivial. Read a trashy novel. Watch a mind-numbing reality show. Find dark humor in things. Bits of fun here and there are not only joyful, they are essential to keeping you at your best, so you can deal with those weighty life issues. Everyone needs an outlet of bliss.

Be authentic

Authenticity is the currency of today. As a society, we are revolting against the inauthentic, the people with ulterior motives, the shallow personalities. The world, more than ever, craves authenticity. This is why sharing your failures is so important. It shows others that you are human, and gives them permission to be human too. When you feel human and embrace your flaws, you are at your best. 

I struggled for the longest time to open up about my disease. I didn’t want it to define me. It wasn’t until I got comfortable with my story and shared it on my terms that I was able to find my power (and my purpose). By writing authentically, I was able to make new friends and help others open up about their own struggles. That’s why I say my disease, as awful as it is, is also beautiful.

Being inauthentic puts undue pressure on yourself to conform and be someone you are not. Being authentic, on the other hand, is a giant weight off your shoulders.

As Maya Angelou said,

“The area where we are the greatest is the area in which we inspire, encourage and connect with another human being.”²

Talk to those you disagree with

The world needs authentic conversations.

A lot of the adversity faced in life is caused by other people. It often seems like there are people in this world who exist only to make your life miserable. The comments bashing how you look. The anonymous trolls saying things to you that they’d never have the courage to say to your face. The people on the other side, the ones you disagree with, the ones you have nothing in common with. The ones you know hate you, or so you think.

It is easy to generalize and lump entire classes of people into the irredeemable category. People who disgust you so much that you would never consider holding the door open for them, let alone having a discussion.

Look, I’m not saying we all need to come together and sing campfire songs. I’m also not saying to sacrifice what you believe in just to appease someone else. But don’t be afraid to have a conversation with someone you might otherwise avoid like the plague.

Because here’s what I’ve found: almost every unpleasant experience that involves another person—disagreements, arguments, vitriol, hatred, threats, conspiracies, whatever—can be boiled down to fear. People attack one another because they are afraid. They are afraid of their worldview being challenged. They are afraid of their way of life being threatened. They are afraid of rejection. They are afraid of their finances. They are afraid of instability. They are afraid of change.

This is not to excuse their behavior but rather to explain it.

If you can remember this point the next time you get fired up about something that someone said or did, the world will become just a little bit less reactive. It is one point for empathy.

Many people will try to exploit your fears and use them for personal gain. Many are in the business of division. Don’t let them get the best of you. 

Photo by Baim Hanif on Unsplash

Happiness

To conclude this speech, I want to talk about love and happiness. Two ideals we strive for but do a really bad job of attaining, although not from a lack of effort. Life has a funny way of thwarting our well-being.

Let’s start with happiness.

The problem with happiness is that we are told we will be happy if x event occurs. If I get the promotion, then I’ll be happy. If I find love, then I’ll be happy. If I reach 1,000 followers, then I’ll be happy.

But what happens when you finally achieve that milestone? You want more. Or, you find the achievement or milestone is a lot hollower than you expected, and you return to how you felt before.

If you keep doing this, happiness will always sit just out of reach, beyond your grasp. You’ll just end up wanting something different, or more of what you already had, and it won’t satisfy you.

This is called the hedonic treadmill or hedonic adaptation. You think that acquiring more things—more money, more status, more power, more love—will make you happy. But it won’t.

This will never work in your favor.

This is because happiness is not out there in the future. Happiness is in the here and now. Today. Where you are sitting. Happiness resides amidst your unfulfilled dreams. In your illness. In your financial hardship. In your fractured relationships.

Happiness is not found in the perfect but in the imperfect.

It can be found in a sunrise. In quiet solitude. The smell of a flower. The adoring look of your dog. A kiss from your loved one. Happiness is a choice, a decision, within your control. If you decide to be happy now, you never have to attach your happiness to something else.

It was the ancient Stoic philosopher, Epictetus, who said,

“Freedom isn’t secured by filling up on your heart’s desire but by removing your desire.”³

If you want fewer things, if you find satisfaction in simplicity, that’s where happiness will be found. It may not be euphoria, but rather, contentment. And there’s nothing wrong with contentment.

This is hard to internalize. I struggle with this too. To put it into practice, start by finding little joys throughout the day. Write them down, then at the end of the day, read through the list. When you do this, you will see that happiness was there all along.

Love

And now we will finish with love.

Humans are imperfect and fragile. We are on this earth for a short while and then we die. That includes those we love. Don’t ever take anyone for granted. Tell those you love that you love them every single day. Every single day.

Love unconditionally, even if people don’t love you back or are not deserving of your love. Always give others the benefit of the doubt, including those pesky people we don’t agree with. 

We are all trying to navigate through this life as best we can. Some do it better than others. The more love you show to your family, to your friends, or to complete strangers, the better off you will feel. When you love, the negative emotions melt away. You will feel better, and those around you will feel better too. It is a virtuous chain reaction.

If you feel good, love. If you feel down, love. If you don’t know what to feel, always default to love. 

Love has been a lifesaver for me. For so long, I was bitter and angry about my disease. It wasn’t until I opened up and talked about my struggles to my family and friends that I was able to see the transformative impact of love. I didn’t know it was love at the time, but it was.

Love is the foundation for a good life. It will sustain you in good times and in bad.

Think back to all that we’ve discussed today. Love impacts everything:

Love is the precursor to happiness. 

Love helps you find the humanity in those you disagree with.

Love gives you the space to be authentic and embrace your true self.

Love gives you permission to find your bliss.

Love is there when you take risks and fail. Love is there to pick you up when you fall flat on your face.

Love is within your circle of control, always available when life gets tough.

And when it comes to purpose, well, you can do a whole lot worse than love. 

Love yourself

I have one more thing to say about love: don’t forget to love yourself, too.

Life is hard. Life is difficult. Life will let you down. You are going to mess up. You are going to do things you will someday regret.

But if you don’t love yourself, if you don’t give yourself a break when you screw up, you are doing yourself the ultimate disservice. You are a human being. I am a human being. And human beings are notorious for screwing up.

So when you feel down, give yourself a break. If you feel sad and depressed or you think you’re a failure, know that you are not alone. We all feel this way from time to time. If the feelings persist, get help.

If only I had learned to love myself sooner, especially when my life was turned upside down, I could have saved myself a world of heartache.

My hope is that it won’t take you nearly as long.

Thank you.

1. Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl, P. 65

2. I wasn’t able to figure out where this quote originated. But I really like it, so I kept it in.

3. Discourses, by Epictetus (4.1.175)