Finding a Sustainable New Year's Practice: The Annual Check-in

How I quit Quitter’s Day

Photo by Jessica Lewis Creative on Pexels

In 2010, I made a New Year’s resolution to stop cursing.

Before you get the wrong impression of me, I didn’t do it that often; it just happened to rear its ugly head at the worst possible moments. Take, for example, the time when my boss asked for something on my desk, I spilled a cup of water onto my keyboard and let out a string of expletives that could be heard all over downtown Boston. For the sake of my long-term career prospects, I knew it was a habit I needed to rein in unless I wanted to leave additional bosses speechless and questioning their hiring decisions. 

Since the new year was only a few days away, what better resolution to make than to banish this blight on my vocabulary for good?

Once the clock struck midnight on January 1st, it was game on. (It was instantly put to the test 20 seconds later when my roommate nearly decapitated me with a champagne cork, but I held firm.) I didn’t quite know how I would do it, but I was committed to a bleep-free future. 

One week in, no cursing. Two weeks became three, then before I knew it, I had made it through January. There were a few close calls, and a few times I had to catch myself. But for the most part, I couldn’t have asked for a better start. Every day it got easier, as if the words simply disappeared.

My Waterloo

Unfortunately, the words reappeared on a sleepy Saturday morning in February.

On that morning, I woke up at ten and immediately did what any 24-year-old guy would do: I checked my drawer to see if I still had clean socks and boxer shorts. The answer was a resounding no. 

“Darn.” 

In my defense, I held out as long as possible because it was three flights of stairs down to the laundry room, and my muscle disease by this point had begun sapping the strength from my legs. My roommates still didn’t know about my disease and I didn’t yet know how to ask them for help.

Resigned to my fate, I stuffed my clothes into my dad’s green canvas army bag, flung it over my shoulders, and proceeded on my journey. Down three flights, up three flights. Over and over. By the time I pulled the final sock out of the dryer and stuffed it into the packed bag, I was ready for a nap. But I still had to climb three flights one final time.

I carefully ascended the stairs back to my apartment. The duffel bag brimmed at the seams and wouldn’t close, my life’s wardrobe stuffed into every square inch. Exhausted, I had no choice but to hold the bag in a bear hug and set it down every few steps in front of me to rest. 

“Son of a…gun. This sucks.”

By the time I reached the back door to my apartment, I was ready to pass out. But I had done my job. I had clean clothes. I was victorious.

I set the overflowing bag down against the wall to my right. I opened the door to my apartment and pulled out the key. As I stuck the key back into my pocket, I somehow managed to brush the bag with my elbow. Before I could react, I saw the bag slide, tip over, then tumble down the stairs.

I watched in horror as clean white undershirts, boxer shorts, socks, pants, and everything else I had worn in the last month were violently ejected from the bag. The bag reached the landing, bounced off the far wall…then continued tumbling down the next staircase, out of sight. A few seconds later, I heard a loud thud on the floor below, followed by silence. It had come to its final resting place. 

Clothes, meanwhile, were everywhere.

I briefly recalled my New Year’s resolution but I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Son of a b****!” 

“****!”

“****************** *************!”

[This continues for 5 minutes.]

“********* unreal!”

I slowly walked back down the stairs to collect my wrinkled clothing. Worse than my fatigue and frustration was the shame¹ that I had broken a New Year’s resolution yet again.

A familiar pattern

I am writing about New Year’s resolutions today because we recently passed Quitter’s Day, “observed” on the second Friday of January every year. Quitter’s Day recognizes the approximate point in time when most resolution-makers have fallen off the wagon. This sounds about right — my carefully selected New Year’s resolutions always seemed to crash and burn by mid-January.

They say that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That was my experience with resolutions. The story always played out the same infuriating way: Set New Year’s resolution. Feel motivated. Experience initial success. Slip up. Vow to fight back. Experience more success. Slip up again. Weakly fight back. Fail again. Have tantrum. Give up for good. 

It happened the one year I tried to go to the gym every day. It happened when I resolved to lose weight. It happened when I tried to keep a positive attitude. Once I slipped up for the first time, it became that much easier to fail again².

Worse, by attaching so much importance to setting a New Year’s resolution, I was unprepared to deal with the emotional kick in the gut when I finally threw in the towel. I wanted to be one of those mentally strong people who kept their resolutions or who could fight through the occasional setback and keep going. But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep the first failure from snowballing.

Unfortunately, I still had much to learn about how to set achievable goals, put systems in place to increase my chances of success and develop a healthy perspective about failure. That is why this site exists — I have made every mistake in the book and want to share what I’ve learned along the way.

After the Great Laundry Disaster of 2010, I decided enough was enough. I was done with resolutions. But I still wanted to do something around the new year.

The fresh start effect

Although I stopped making New Year’s resolutions, I don’t think they are inherently bad; you just have to know what you’re getting yourself into.

I believe there is merit to the fresh start effect, which states that we are more motivated when we can make use of a “temporal landmark”, or a date that has a distinct before-and-after time component. For example, New Year’s Day feels like a clean slate because we have entered a new year and no longer have to associate with who we were the previous year. This effect can also work at the beginning of a new week or month. 

And for a while, this is motivating…until the effect fizzles out.

If you are going to set a New Year’s resolution, it’s important to understand your motivation. Are you making a resolution because everyone else is? Is there a change you really want to make and you just need that little extra motivation from the fresh start effect to get started? Or are you only making one out of habit?

After setting the resolution, it’s also helpful to consider how you’d react to a potential slip up, because, let’s face it, we’re all human. It will happen. Are you the type of person who is undeterred by the occasional setback, or do you let failure snowball until it's out of hand? If I had answered this question honestly, I would have realized I fell into the latter camp. 

Self-awareness is key. As you contemplate whether or not to make a resolution, also think about how you handle failure on an emotional level. Are you someone who sees failure as an opportunity to learn and do better? Do you shrug it off as a fact of life that isn’t worth getting too upset over? Or does failure dent your self-esteem and make you feel worse about yourself? Life these days is already hard enough. 

You might ultimately succeed at your resolution (which would be great!), but you should consider ahead of time how you might react if it doesn’t work out. Hopefully, you will be kind to yourself. 

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Searching for a better way: the Annual Check-in

After I quit making resolutions, I felt a sense of relief. However, I still wanted to experience the excitement of a new calendar year. 

Couldn’t I find some middle ground where I could capitalize on the fresh start effect without being tied to a resolution? It turns out the answer was yes.

By 2011, I was thinking a lot about the direction of my life. I was only 24, but I was getting weaker every day and felt anxious about my future. I knew changes were coming — negative changes — and I needed to build a life for myself that took the progression of my disease into account. It was crucial that I be proactive. 

While trying to think about how I could use the new year as a springboard without making a resolution I knew I couldn’t keep, I came up with the idea of the Annual Check-in. 

I took out a clean sheet of paper and organized my life into various categories: health, strength level, relationships (family and friends), relationships (dating), faith, work, living situation, and hobbies.

My goal was to use the fresh start effect of a new calendar year to take stock of my life at that moment, contemplate what I wanted to achieve, and where I needed to make changes. Even if I didn’t have all the answers, it could at least point me in the right direction. Better yet, it was a resolution I could set and achieve on January 1st!

The first attempt took several hours, but over the years I have refined it down to a 1-2 hour process. The questions I ask every year are more or less the same; they’ve evolved as I’ve evolved.

For the sake of example, I’ll run through one of the categories. Let’s go with health. I started by asking a few simple questions (which were different based on the category): 

1. How is my diet? 

2. Am I exercising/in shape? Am I maintaining muscle mass?

3. How is my alcohol consumption?

4. How is my stress level?

5. How often am I seeing a doctor?

6. What were my latest metrics at the doctor (blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.)? Were there any problematic readings?

7. How is my dental hygiene?

8. How are my headaches?

Then I would answer each question as detailed as possible. Here is a condensed version of what I wrote in 2011:

How is my diet? Okay, but not great. I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables with my meals but still eat far too much takeout. I don’t bring my lunch nearly enough. I drink too much soda and eat too many sweets. 

Am I exercising/in shape? Tricky, because I am beginning to lose strength from my disease. I stopped going to the gym because it was having a negative effect on my strength and the doctor said not to overdo it. Physical therapy keeps me limber but I think I am still overdoing it. I go for a lot of walks but even these are becoming more difficult as my legs tire out quickly and I feel strange twinges in my upper legs.

How is my alcohol consumption? Infrequent. I don’t drink during the week but I drink more than I probably should on the weekends. 

How is my stress level? Terrible, unfortunately. I am stressed about the progression of my disease, my job situation is in flux, and I am struggling financially.

How often am I seeing a doctor? I saw my primary care doctor in September and I am due to see the neurologist again in May.

What were my latest metrics at the doctor (blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.)? Were there any problematic readings? Besides my creatine kinase levels being off the charts due to my disease, everything else is very good. 

How is my dental hygiene? The dentist said I needed to floss more. I have a lot of cavities and might need a root canal in my upper right tooth. Yikes!  

How are my headaches? Far too frequent. I get tension headaches and sinus headaches. Maybe 3-4x/week. I try not to take any pain medicine but take Excedrin as needed. 

Next, I thought about the best-case scenario for each category in the year ahead and concrete actions I could take toward this ideal. To not drag this out too much longer, here are three quick examples:

Diet: 

Goal: I want to eat a more well-rounded diet with fewer fried foods and more fruits/vegetables.

Actions: I need to order less takeout, buy more food at the grocery store, and use my George Foreman grill more frequently. I should only buy lunch once a week at most. 

Exercise:

Goal: Maintain as much muscle strength as possible. Stay limber.

Actions: Utilize the rubber exercise bands I got at physical therapy to stay limber. Go for shorter walks. Take frequent breaks to sit down.

Stress level: 

Goal: Find a way to feel less stressed and more able to cope.

Actions: Try meditating. Go to bed at a more consistent hour with better sleeping habits. Pray more. Say a mantra during stressful moments.

A labor of love

The Annual Check-in process has become my north star, and I have grown to love it. It allows me to be honest with myself, and drill down into various aspects of my life. I can unpack areas where I am stagnant and celebrate areas where I am succeeding. I have since moved it from every year to every three months, but it first began as a New Year’s practice.

When I finish my review, I type up my notes into an Excel spreadsheet (nerd alert) that I can review as needed. It is always on hand. For example, on a day when I am feeling stressed, I can look at the spreadsheet to see what steps I can take to feel better. 

This Annual Check-in also serves another benefit: it is flexible. My life is in constant flux, and I don’t like locking myself into goals that are too rigid. I prefer to have a general sense of where I want to go rather than be constrained by a timeframe. I know this is counter to a lot of time management and goal-setting best practices, but it is what works for me. If you like to set specific deadlines, that works too.

If you would like to utilize the template above, go right ahead. Make it yours and tailor it to your personal style and goals. Some of the categories might not apply to you and there might be additional ones you want to add. That is fine! All that’s required is honesty, self-kindness, and a spirit of self-improvement. 

The Annual Check-in helps you contemplate what brings you joy, what you value, and what you need to do in the year ahead to live the life you want. And if you happen to go through a particularly rough patch, you can use this as your compass to get back on track. No all-or-nothing resolutions required.

Do what works for you

At the end of the day, know that if New Year’s resolutions aren’t working out for you, there are an array of alternate options available. Google “New Year’s resolution alternatives” and you will find great information about intentions, micro-resolutions, reboots, and other invigorating challenges to start your year off right. 

You can also do nothing! There is no law that says you must make a dramatic change on January 1st. It is technically a 24-hour period of time just like the other 364 days in the year. 

Whatever you decide — or don’t decide — the choice is ultimately yours. Just make sure that whatever you choose, it can withstand a tumbling bag of laundry.

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I’d love to hear in the comments below: What has been your experience with resolutions? Do you like them? Hate them? If you don’t make one, do you do something else?  Let me know!

1. Ok, it felt a LITTLE good.

2. This is called the “what-the-hell effect”. The irony of this name isn’t lost on me.