A Leap of Faith

Today, for the first time in several years, I don’t have a job

Photo by Zac Durant on Unsplash

Author’s Note: This is the second installment of “Resilience in Action”, a periodic series exploring how I handle adversity in everyday situations. You can read the first post here.

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Well, I finally did it. 

Yesterday was my last day at the Muscular Dystrophy Association (MDA). I hesitate to call it quitting—as if I couldn’t take another day of working there, which isn’t the case. MDA is a wonderful place to work, the mission is near to my heart (I’m a member of the community), and I have amazing coworkers. 

Er…had. I’m still getting used to referring to the job in the past tense.

Why did I leave? It wasn’t because of job dissatisfaction, but rather, I needed to finally, once and for all, answer the question that has pestered me for more than a decade: Can I build my own career? 

For many years, I have wanted to be a writer and public speaker, and for just as long, I haven’t had the confidence to take the leap of faith that striving out on my own requires. Even now, I’m not sure where this decision will ultimately fall on the “This was the best decision I ever made/You idiot, what were you thinking?” spectrum. But I am ready to find out the answer. 

I’m also leaving now because I have come around to the fact that there will never be a perfect time. Every decision has trade-offs. It will always carry risk and I am not getting any stronger. 

Fortunately, I am not starting from scratch. I have saved up for this opportunity and I have a clear sense of who I want to become and why. (For those asking, my 100-year-old self endorses the decision.) Although the steps to get from where I am today to my ideal career are not as clear as I’d like them to be, I’m hoping my time off will help to illuminate the path.

This decision is scary. It is also exciting. But most importantly, it keeps me from having to wonder what might have been.

Why I took the leap - the fun reasons

Building Hello, Adversity

When my muscle disease took over my life after college, writing became my only outlet to vent and process all that was happening. Exercise was no longer an option. I always enjoyed putting pen to paper but never wrote in a sustained fashion until it became a lifeline in the dark moments. As I’ve come to learn, writing is also a great way to connect with others who are going through challenges, health-related or otherwise.

I am not the world’s greatest writer (which is another way of saying that I need to hire an editor), but I do feel that I am good at finding ways to connect with people from all walks of life, which is a skill that I don’t take for granted. At the end of the day, I want to help as many people as possible, no matter their background, and if I can use the difficulties from my rare disease journey to do that, all the better.

Hello, Adversity was born from this desire. For many years, I’ve written about my journey on a previous site, but for a long time, I’ve wanted to take the focus off myself and instead share what I’ve learned from my experience. I want to help people going through tough times by digging into what has worked in my life and what hasn’t. Less oracle, more crash test dummy.

Ever since I launched Hello, Adversity in January, I have dreamed of dedicating myself full-time to growing this website. Now that I’ve gained some traction and carved out a little slice of the Internet all to myself, I am excited to see what this site can become.

In many respects, Hello, Adversity will now become my job. I have many ideas I’d like to try, from additional newsletters to starting a podcast. I also need to do more sustained networking and marketing. In the future—hopefully sooner rather than later—I want to offer a paid subscription tier so I can earn a little bit of money from my efforts (although it is not my sole motivation). Any amount will help pay the bills.

I’m so glad I started this site after several years of procrastination. I have connected with many wonderful people and made new friends along the way. The site has succeeded about as well as I could have expected when I first conceived of the idea over winter break. I thought, at best, I’d have 100 subscribers. I have many more than that today!

I am looking forward to dedicating the most productive hours of my day to writing. Working full-time and writing in the evenings was getting harder and harder. It wasn’t sustainable. I only have so much energy these days.

Will Hello, Adversity become a sustainable full-time job? I’m not sure. (I suppose I could start endorsing sketchy products to bring in revenue but that sort of defeats the point.) But in order for it to become a viable career path, I needed to take this all-important first step.

Finishing my memoir

Another reason I am taking time off is to finish the memoir I started back in 2018, the last time I was unemployed.

My memoir covers the period between 2008 and 2016. During this time, I graduated from college, experienced the first symptoms of my muscle disease, weakened to the point of falling, experienced the depths of despair, then slowly put my life back together. It was when I lost my friend Carly, first wrote about my disease, gave my first speech, and graduated from business school. It is a story of building new dreams and finding purpose. A story of loss and of faith.

I need to finish it.

I have a draft completed; the problem is, it’s 700 pages long. (It’s okay, you can roll your eyes.) Would I expect you to read 700 pages about my life? No. I wouldn’t even want to read that.

Unfortunately, editing is one of my least favorite activities and I lost motivation sometime back in 2021. I made it about halfway through. The draft is currently in limbo in a Word document on my computer. Now that it’s been a couple years, my hope is that I will be able to re-examine the draft with fresh eyes and find a way to push through the tedium. I also secretly hope that by talking about it, I can make myself accountable to all of you.

That way, when someone asks me how the book is going, I can finally say, “It’s finished! Bet you didn’t expect that. How you like them apples?” “Why yes it is finished. Here is a copy my valued friend.”

Public speaking

I also want to do more public speaking. I usually give around 2-3 talks per year but haven’t pursued more opportunities since I was working full-time and didn’t have a platform until Hello, Adversity.

But I have to be careful. I need to pace myself so I don’t tire out too quickly, which means I probably won’t be able to give quite as many talks as I’d like. But once a month? I think that’s doable, especially if it’s virtual.

The great thing about writing and speaking is that they are mutually reinforcing. Writing builds the platform that will enable me to find places to speak. And public speaking will help drive traffic to the site, and (hopefully) interest in my memoir.

At least that’s how I’ve drawn it out on paper.

Photo by Kid Circus on Unsplash

More time to read

I have so many books that I want to get to. Reading time has taken a hit since I started this site back in January. Between working and writing, reading has been deprioritized, which pains me. I hope that by writing earlier in the day, I can now read for a couple hours in the afternoon.

I like to read different types of books, especially history, biographies, and fiction. I also like to read articles, both for research purposes and to stay informed.

If there is something you think I should read—whether a book or an article—send it my way!

Time to decompress

I also need a break. I’m tired. I’m a bit overwhelmed by life these days and the relentless progression of my disease. I need time to recharge my battery, even if my battery is corroded and doesn’t hold a charge like it used to. I’m hoping that by taking time to decompress, I can bring the best version of myself to the myriad challenges that I face. By slowing down the pace of life, I intend to enjoy the small treasures—the scenery outside, my friends and family, and the rest of the summer.

I also look forward to sleeping in juuust a little bit longer in the morning. 

And now, the less fun part: my health

These days, everything revolves around my health.

For the most part, I am okay, but my disease keeps progressing in new and surprising ways. Not the good kind of surprising. Symptoms are manifesting that I didn’t think were part of this disease. For example, I have been having persistent swallowing issues for the last seven months. Every time I think I am just about back to normal, it regresses. I’ve had several tests that have come back normal, thankfully, but whatever the cause, I haven’t found it yet. Until I do, I won’t be at peace.

In a twist of fate, the swallowing issues began the day I started this site. I can’t help but laugh. It’s as if I am being prodded in real time to write about adversity as I experience it. (Because there wasn’t enough in my past to draw upon, apparently.)

My time off will help me take stock of where I’m at in my disease progression and plan for what’s to come. Thankfully, I have a good support system here in Connecticut but I know better than to take anything for granted. I need better emergency plans. My contingency plans need contingency plans.

I have been down this path before

I have come to yet another crossroads in my life. There was the initial accident that led to my diagnosis in 2003. There was the onset of symptoms in 2008. And of course, there was the time when I crashed and burned at my job before MDA in 2017.

Time will tell if this works out. As the saying goes, whenever we make a plan, God laughs. Well, God has done a lot of laughing over the years. But He has also opened doors that I never would have expected and I’m a better person for it.

I am a firm believer that sometimes the biggest risk is taking no risk. This is a leap of faith, a bet on myself, a shot in the dark, whatever you want to call it. My back is already against the wall with my disease encroaching on every aspect of my life. I am tired of being on the defensive. I am ready to push back.

A few days ago, I read an anecdote about Jim Koch, founder of Boston Beer Company, in the book, Hidden Genius. In 1984, Koch was considering quitting his cushy job at Boston Consulting Group to start a brewery using his great-great-grandfather’s beer recipe. Koch was having second thoughts about quitting before he came to a realization:

When Koch felt suffocated by his boring corporate job at BCG, he had a choice: Does he stay in his safe role at BCG or does he start a beer company with no money or experience? He was terrified of making the wrong decision.

So he began thinking about two words: “scary” and “dangerous.” Leaving BCG would be the scariest decision of his life, but staying would be dangerous because he wasn’t happy and he would live a life of regrets. There are plenty of things in life that are scary but not dangerous and vice versa. He took the risk, left his job, and founded Samuel Adams beer.¹

I can attest—this decision is scary. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that not doing anything is even more dangerous.

Even if I fall flat on my face, I can say that I tried. In that sense, I have already succeeded.

1. Hidden Genius, by Polina Pompliano, P. 106.