7 Ways Kids Can Cultivate Resilience in the New School Year

Lessons I wished I'd learned when I was younger

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

Somehow, it’s already back-to-school season here in the U.S. I have no idea where the summer went!

Recently, I've been thinking about how to repurpose my content on Hello, Adversity for a younger audience. So many kids and young adults struggle with their mental health these days, and I’d like to help in some way.

As a first step, I thought it would be fun to share seven lessons I wish I’d learned back when I was a student writing with a quill pen in the 18th century. (But seriously, I just had my 20-year high school reunion.)

My hope is that by internalizing these lessons, kids and young adults can cultivate resilience in the year ahead. 

Even if it’s been a few years since I was in school.

Without further ado:

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1. We all peak at different ages.

Kids are kids. They’re going to compare themselves to their peers. We did it when we were kids, and they’ll be doing it decades from now, too.

One helpful thought to keep in mind is that we all peak at different ages. Some peak in high school. Others peak in college. And still others peak as adults. I fall into the latter camp.

There’s no rule that says how you start is how you finish.

After all, school is just a brief snapshot of our lives. For example, high school — which can make or break so many kids — is just a four-year period.

If a child is struggling in school, yes it’s hard, no question, but circumstances can change. It could be that they’ll meet their best friends at their next school, or that their talents are best suited in the working world.

Some people peak early; others peak much later. And some have multiple peaks! You can thrive in high school, struggle in college, then thrive again as an adult. Life isn’t one mountain with an ascent, a peak, then a descent. Rather, it’s a mountain range, with multiple peaks and valleys.

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2. We all carry heavy burdens.

It was only when I became an adult that I realized everyone is dealing with something.

This is a lesson I wish I’d learned sooner. It turns out, my peers were struggling emotionally and I didn’t even know it! (I found this out many years later.) I wasn’t attuned to their suffering because I didn’t yet know how to perceive it, and I was too busy thinking about my own problems.

One of the best things we can do is to teach kids how to be perceptive to others’ struggles. For example, if a classmate is being bullied, or sitting alone at the lunch table, or unusually quiet, we can encourage kids to check in and ask, “Are you okay?”

Kids don’t have to be therapists, nor should they be asking probing, intrusive questions, but we can teach them empathy and how to be on the lookout for quiet suffering.

Trust me, these small acts of kindness don’t go unnoticed.

I know this firsthand. I ate lunch by myself on the first day of seventh grade, and it was awful. Thankfully, halfway through the lunch period, a boy I didn’t know asked if I wanted to join his friends at their table, and I never had to eat by myself again.

I still remember that day 25 years later.

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3. Failure is the key to success.

When a child or young adult fails, it can feel like the end of the world.

If they didn’t get into their dream college, or they got cut from the basketball team, or they did poorly on a test, it can crush their confidence.

What they’re missing is perspective. Far from it being the end of the world, failure is often a catalyst for success.

To be clear, failures and setbacks are never fun. Just because adults know that there are other colleges out there and that one bad test doesn’t dictate a child’s academic future, it doesn’t mean we need to belittle their suffering.

We have the benefit of life experience; they don’t.

What we can do? We can help kids see that failure is a normal part of life. It’s not permanent, and it’s nothing to fear.

If anything, failure should be normalized. This can be accomplished in a few ways:

• Remind kids that “no” doesn’t mean “never”. For example, if they got cut from the sports team, they can try out again next year. Or if they didn’t get into their dream college, they can always go there for grad school.

  The latter happened to me. I didn’t get into Boston College for undergrad but got into their MBA program ten years later. (Am I still bitter about the rejection? A little.) Considering everyone I met along my journey, I’m glad it happened this way.

• Learn from it. Talk with them and go over what happened. What was in their control? If they didn’t do well on a test, maybe they should have studied more or sought extra help from the teacher. Instead of criticizing them, encourage them to try a different approach next time.

• Encourage failure. I don’t mean to intentionally bomb a test or get cut from basketball tryouts by throwing a haymaker. Rather, encourage children to stretch out of their comfort zone. If they fail, they fail. Have them try out for the jazz band or strike up a conversation with someone in a foreign language. If they’re applying to colleges, have them apply to a reach school. If they know you’ll support them when they take a risk, they’ll learn to embrace being bold. They may even succeed!

• Share stories of role models who’ve failed. Michael Jordan didn’t make the varsity basketball team until his junior year of high school. Oprah Winfrey toiled away on local TV for many years before becoming a household name. Many actors nearly gave up on their dreams before catching their big break. There are so many examples of people who have found success after years of failure. Share these stories with kids as often as possible.

None of this will make failure fun, but it will at least let kids know that failure is normal and that the sky isn’t falling.

(This is also a reminder to parents — if your kid failed, it’s okay! Some adversity is good. It’s better to teach them how to fail now than have them learn it when they enter the real world, which is much less forgiving.)

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4. Break tasks down into smaller pieces.

Large, overwhelming tasks become more doable when we break them down into smaller pieces. (I mentioned this last week but it’s great advice for students too.)

If they have a midterm exam or a big paper coming up, break the task down into simpler, more achievable goals. This way, they can make quick progress, build momentum, and grow their confidence.

If they’re prone to procrastinating - and what kid isn’t? - bribe them gently encourage them to make a little progress each day. Procrastination, at its core, is a reluctance to face a task that is vague and poorly defined. Motivation comes when we size up our challenges, gain clarity, and map out next steps.

In school, there were many times when I got overwhelmed by the magnitude of large projects.

When I was assigned a year-long thesis paper in my AP US History class in high school, I almost had a meltdown. But my teacher broke down the assignment into dozens of achievable, bite-sized chunks with clear deadlines.

That made it much less intimidating.

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5. Carry a journal at all times.

Journaling is a great way to clarify our thoughts and process our struggles.

The earlier kids learn how to brainstorm ideas and write down their thoughts, the more it will become second nature as they mature.

A writing practice is especially useful for processing emotions. For example, if a child is feeling sad or anxious, writing down these emotions can help them name what they’re feeling, even if they don’t yet know why.

Sometimes, getting these emotions out of our heads and onto a page can be cathartic.

Journaling is a practice that has transformed my life as an adult. It’s helped me better understand what’s going on in my head, and many times, in my heart.

It’s a habit I wish I’d developed sooner.

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6. Build a meditation/deep breathing practice.

Okay, okay. Meditation is an ambitious goal. It’s hard enough for adults to meditate for five minutes, even less so for kids with growing brains and overactive imaginations.

But meditation, done consistently, is beneficial. There are so many stimuli in this modern world, especially on our devices. Teaching kids how to separate themselves from the hustle and bustle, even just for a few minutes, is a vital skill to learn.

Consistent meditation over time can lower stress, quiet their minds, and bring a sense of peace to their lives.

If meditation seems like a bridge too far right now, have them try deep breathing exercises instead. Deep breathing can be just as effective for reducing stress and anxiety.

I like the 4-7-8 breathing technique.

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7. Keep successes top of mind.

If a child does something well, get them in the habit of writing it down!

Any time they get a good grade, or make a friend, or receive a compliment from their teacher, that's an accomplishment worth remembering.

They can make a list in their notebook, or if they prefer, in a digital note on their phone. The “how” doesn’t matter as much as the “why”.

This is an important habit to develop because there will come a time when their self-confidence will be shaken by a crushing failure or by something someone said. They might question their competence, their intelligence, and maybe even their self-worth. All kids go through phases like this.

Having a “Success List” (or whatever they choose to call it) can serve as a helpful reminder that despite life’s hardships, they have achieved great things before, and they will do so again.

Accountability corner

Periodically, I’m going to share updates on my goals. Here are two that I’m focused on this month:

📕 The book: I mentioned a few weeks ago that I finished the first draft of my book — a compilation of 101 strategies to persevere through adversity. That was a huge milestone, but my work has only begun!

I am now deep in the second draft. I’m expanding sections, trimming paragraphs, and giving the narrative a coherent structure. It’s exciting to see it take shape.

It doesn’t have an official title yet, but I’m leaning towards Hello, Adversity. (Shocking, I know.)

💸 Paid subscribers: This goal I haven’t mentioned yet, but I will now. Admittedly, I’m a bit nervous even bringing it up.

Right now I have 36 paid subscribers. I am incredibly grateful to everyone who has supported my work! When I started, I thought my mom would be my only paid subscriber, so 36 is a huge accomplishment.

I’ve decided to set an aggressive goal for myself — I’d like to get to 100 paid subscribers by the end of the year. It’s a nice round number, and, I must admit, I’d like to have one of these fancy Substack Bestseller badges next to my name:

It’s an ambitious goal, and I’m not sure how I’m going to achieve it yet, but if I want to make a living as a writer, I need to promote myself better and take risks.

At a minimum, this is going to push me out of my comfort zone. We’ll see how it goes!

If you’d like to support my work, you can upgrade using the button below. 👇 If you need an extra push, my birthday is next month. 😎

I’ll share monthly updates on my progress.