37 lessons for 37
Hard-earned wisdom from life with a rare disease
In a few days, I turn 37.
It’s a weird sentence to type. I remember moments from my childhood like they were yesterday, and yet I also wonder how I’m only 37. The last fifteen years have felt like a lifetime as I’ve battled a disease that always finds new ways to introduce itself.
Case in point: By the time this article hits your inbox, I will be at the hospital chugging down some ungodly concoction meant to pinpoint the underlying cause of my swallowing issues.
Whether I finally get an answer or leave with more questions, I will face the moment like I always have. I don’t have a choice. Life goes on, whether or not I’m ready. This is one of many lessons I’ve learned in my 37 years.
Many of these lessons have been learned from cold, hard experience. They have presented themselves in loose bricks on the sidewalk, in sudden gusts of wind, and icy patches in the middle of the street. They have been accompanied by actual blood, sweat, and tears. But they have made me a stronger, more resilient person.
In honor of my birthday, and because I like countdowns, here are 37 lessons I’ve learned over the years, ranked in increasing order of importance:
37 Lessons for 37
37. We may not always know the right answer, but we usually know the wrong one. When I was diagnosed with my disease in 2009, I didn’t know what to do next. But if I had taken the time to think about what not to do (ignoring the advice of doctors, bottling up my feelings, etc.), I could have avoided years of heartache and suffering.
36. We get to choose how something affects us. I learned this lesson from Viktor Frankl. Although life might be difficult, unfair, and cruel, how we respond to what happens to us is within our control. It doesn’t mean we have to bury negative emotions, but we do get to choose what comes next.
35. Happiness comes from wanting less, not more. We think getting more things will make us happy, but at the end of the day, it just leaves us wanting more. True wealth comes from having enough.
34. We all have a story to tell. I never thought I had an interesting story to tell until I shared it at a conference and saw the impact it had on others. Don’t be afraid to share your story. There is someone, somewhere, who desperately needs to hear it.
33. We can’t do everything. Saying no is just as important as saying yes. I get overwhelmed easily, but when I am focused on one thing at a time, I am at my best.
32. Work backwards. I have solved many issues by working backwards from the desired end goal. This is how I was able to make business school work. (This is also a helpful technique to avoid making the wrong decision.)
Just missed the cut: Pack more snacks than what you think you’ll need. There’s nothing worse than being hungry and fighting with a friend over who gets the last Nutri-Grain bar.
31. There is (almost) always a simpler explanation. We read complexity into simple situations. Most of the time this isn’t warranted. Not everything is an elaborate conspiracy. Not every terse email is laced with malice.
30. Make a phone call every now and then. We live in a lonely time, precisely because we’ve stopped having discussions involving our voices. JK Simmons, in his Oscars acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor, urged viewers to pick up the phone and call their parents. I love to text as much as anyone else, but my relationships are much stronger from periodic phone calls.
29. Do the hard thing first. I am a terrible procrastinator. I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to confront my priorities each day. But afterwards, it always feels great to be done, knowing that the hard thing is over with.
28. There are no unimportant moments. Every day, we waste moments, and yet, it’s these small moments that make all the difference. Average moments have the power to compound into something great.
27. Aim to be happy 80-90% of the time. Think of happiness as a spectrum — on one end are the miserable, jaded people, and on the other end are the Pollyannas. Neither extreme is healthy. I’ve learned to aim for 80-90% happiness. It means that I can still have the occasional crummy day without spiraling into despair. This has done me a world of good.
26. Find role models. Others have done what we are trying to do, even if their circumstances are slightly different. We don’t have to recreate the wheel.
25. People aren’t thinking about you. They are thinking about themselves. We worry about what others will think of us. And yet, no one is paying that much attention, if at all. People are consumed by their phones, or by the thoughts in their head. This is a liberating feeling if you are insecure.
24. Cruelty springs from weakness. When people are cruel, they are often driven by deep-seated insecurities. They tear others down to build themselves up. This is true weakness.
23. Be authentic. We live in a world of façades, yet people are repelled by the inauthentic. No one truly likes the cringeworthy, self-promotional posts or the person who befriends you in order to sell you something. In the long run, it is the person who shares their flaws and vulnerabilities who builds lasting, meaningful relationships.
Just missed the cut: If someone says, “I mean no disrespect”, they are about to disrespect you, and they mean it.
22. The only person you need to impress is yourself. We must also be authentic with ourselves. We shouldn’t become someone we’re not just to impress others. If you like Dungeons & Dragons, The Golden Girls, or knitting outfits for your dog, go for it. I am obsessed with fantasy baseball.
21. Attack problems before they get worse. So often, we put off dealing with our problems, only to face a worse problem later on. The earlier we confront our discomfort, the better off we’ll be in the long run.
20. Some things are simply out of our control. There are always going to be gut-punch events in life. It is a bitter feeling to be diagnosed with a disease, to lose a loved one, or to experience financial ruin because of what someone else did. Wisdom comes from accepting what we can’t control.
19. A bad result can come from a good decision. We can prepare to the best of our abilities and take the most prudent course of action, only to have things go haywire. It doesn’t mean we did anything wrong. Annie Duke calls this “resulting”. We conflate a bad outcome with a bad decision.
18. Failure is the key to success. We rarely hear about others’ failures, which makes us think that we’re the only ones who’ve ever failed. Failure is still taboo and yet, it is THE key to success. Making mistakes is how we learn what works.
17. Money and possessions can be replaced. In college, after making several poor decisions, I was left without a dollar to my name. Eventually, and with a great deal of help, I clawed out of financial ruin. When we lose money or possessions, we think it’s the end of the world, but it’s not. Things can be replaced. Human beings, however, are finite and precious.
16. People remember how we made them feel. We don’t have to be perfect in what we do or say to others. As long as we strive to love those we care about, as long as we treat coworkers and strangers with dignity and respect, that’s what matters. That’s our legacy.
15. Don’t be afraid to go right to the top. Many years ago, when I was at my wits’ end, I emailed the CEO of my health insurer to let him know about the company’s diabolical claims process. It wasn’t the most mature move, and I didn’t expect to get a response. But not only did he respond, he connected me with someone who resolved the issue within a day. As long as you are being respectful, there is no downside to reaching out to those in power.
Just missed the cut: If you want to lose a friend who was an English major, get into a fight over the Oxford comma.
14. People are driven by fear. Everyone is afraid these days, which explains a lot of behavior. People are afraid of change, afraid of others, afraid of not being able to provide for their families. It doesn’t get someone off the hook for their words or actions, but it is helpful to keep in mind.
13. Friends will let us down. I have friends who I love, but who are ultimately unreliable. They are all talk, no action. It is painful to come to this realization about someone you care about. I am happy to keep them in my life, but I know where to draw the line.
12. We all have issues. Some are open about their struggles; others bottle them up like I used to do. We might feel that our struggles are unique, but they’re not. Once I realized that everyone is carrying heavy burdens, it changed my life. Many are barely holding it together.
Just missed the cut: All-you-can-eat wing night, although it sounds great, is a terrible idea.
11. Be the friend you need. I was terrible to myself for so long because I thought I was a failure. I looked at my peer group and felt like I didn’t stack up. (Until I realized they didn’t have to contend with a life-altering disease.) I recently heard a piece of advice that we should treat ourselves like we would a close friend going through a similar struggle. I wish I had done this sooner.
10. Ask for feedback. We struggle to ask for constructive criticism and feedback. We don’t like to be told what we did wrong. But if we avoid these uncomfortable discussions, we are wasting time and resources. Any short-term pain is offset by long-term benefit.
9. Check in on your friends. Two weeks before my friend Carly passed away from cancer, I planned to check in and say hi. For whatever reason, I never got around to it, and it slipped from my mind. In forgetting, I missed the opportunity for one last conversation. It still haunts me to this day.
8. Regret will destroy us if we let it. This ties into the previous point. No matter how much pain we’ve caused ourselves in the past, we can’t go back and undo it. At some point, we have to forgive ourselves and move on.
7. What first appears to be limiting might actually be freeing. For many years, I resisted getting a wheelchair. When I finally broke down and got one, I immediately realized how freeing it was to no longer worry about falling. The world had opened up to me once again.
6. Rest is essential. The most productive thing we can do is take a break. In the long run, we expend more energy undoing fatigue-related mistakes. So many times, I pushed myself to exhaustion, when what I really needed was to rest.
5. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. “I need help” might be the three hardest words to say. It took me three years to ask for help after my disease symptoms manifested. Three lost years. But when I finally asked for help, I no longer had to carry my burdens alone. And that has made all the difference.
4. There is no reason to fear getting older. I used to worry about turning 30, then 35. Then I realized, wait a minute, I am around to complain about it. That is a privilege. I know young old people and old young people. Age is what we make of it.
3. Order your priorities. At some point, we are going to have to choose between competing priorities. After making the wrong choice repeatedly over the years, I learned to rank my priorities in order. Now, when I face a decision, I know what to choose, and why.
2. Find your purpose. When life gets tough, when we are challenged to the core of our being, it is our purpose that will get us through. My purpose comes from faith. Whatever your purpose is, find it.
1. If you are going through hell, keep going. This is the lesson of lessons. The one that has been hammered into my head repeatedly for fifteen years. Having a purpose is so important because sometimes, life is hell.
This lesson got me through 2013. I was mad at the world that year. I was bitter. I was frustrated. Above all, I was sad. There were many days I wondered if my suffering was worth it.
As hard as life gets — and it can be impossibly difficult — I learned that it is worth it. It is always worth it. Because eventually, we make it through to the other side.
The Oxford comma is a superfluous abomination. I will go to war over that. And worse idea than endless wings? Bottomless mimosas. You will only make that mistake once. Or three times. Thanks for all the wonderful wisdom, Chris. If you haven't had that conversation with Carly, do it now. She knows already, anyway. She wouldn't want you haunted. I hope the test gives a good result and a simple fix. Please keep me posted. Wishing you a very happy birthday and an incredible year ahead! xo
"29. Do the hard thing first. I am a terrible procrastinator. I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to confront my priorities each day. But afterwards, it always feels great to be done, knowing that the hard thing is over with." - This is gold. I always want to avoid hard stuff, who doesn't? But I am trying hard to always do the hardest thing first. Definitely grows strength and just feels good after. Thanks for writing this, I just subscribed.